Lonely Leaf (a Haiku)
by Little Silver Pen Jul 8, 2016
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On a little tree |
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Latest Comments
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8 years ago
by Marshall Lee
I giggled and smiled
I could see that lonely leaf
Its the cutest thing. -
8 years ago
by John Doe
A very powerful write up!
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8 years ago
Hello there!
This is a very cute Haiku, and it does have a wonderful allegorical translation, and packs quite the punch with very few words. I do think there is room for improvement in the second line:
Original:
On a little tree
A lonely leaf remains on there
It is near winter.
Suggestion:
On a little tree
a lonely leaf is clinging.
It is near winter.
I think using that word helps to elaborate upon a sense of desperation that the poem exudes.
As well, changing the middle line to the suggestion will correct the structure of your haiku. They are 5 syllables for the first and last lines, and 7 syllables in the middle line. Your middle line, as it stands, has 8 syllables.
Again, wonderful job!
5/5
IdTakeABulletForYou-
8 years ago
Thank you, I'll take the suggestion.
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8 years ago
You should check out Lost at Sea and Marionette. They both may seem rather sad, but I find Lost at Sea the best and Marionette rather... cheery, in a strange way.
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