Comments : Lonely Leaf (a Haiku)

  • 8 years ago

    by IdTakeABulletForYou

    Hello there!
    This is a very cute Haiku, and it does have a wonderful allegorical translation, and packs quite the punch with very few words. I do think there is room for improvement in the second line:

    Original:
    On a little tree
    A lonely leaf remains on there
    It is near winter.

    Suggestion:
    On a little tree
    a lonely leaf is clinging.
    It is near winter.

    I think using that word helps to elaborate upon a sense of desperation that the poem exudes.

    As well, changing the middle line to the suggestion will correct the structure of your haiku. They are 5 syllables for the first and last lines, and 7 syllables in the middle line. Your middle line, as it stands, has 8 syllables.

    Again, wonderful job!

    5/5
    IdTakeABulletForYou

    • 8 years ago

      by Little Silver Pen

      Thank you, I'll take the suggestion.

    • 8 years ago

      by Little Silver Pen

      You should check out Lost at Sea and Marionette. They both may seem rather sad, but I find Lost at Sea the best and Marionette rather... cheery, in a strange way.

  • 8 years ago

    by John Doe

    A very powerful write up!

  • 8 years ago

    by Marshall Lee

    I giggled and smiled
    I could see that lonely leaf
    Its the cutest thing.