Stop calling

by deeplydesturbed   Jul 20, 2016


You gave birth to me;
then left me alone one day.
Why did you blame me?

Why try calling now?
After so many damn years.
What do you want now?

I am ordering
you to stop calling me now!
Disappear for good!

    report violation
4


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Latest Comments

  • 8 years ago

    by IdTakeABulletForYou

    Why try calling now?
    After so many damn years.
    What could you want now?

    In the second senryu, I suggest changing it as is exampled above. I believe it changes the entire verse to give a different meaning that has a bit more flexibility in the readers' ability to relate.

    As well, the last line I would recommend changing to "Be gone forever!" as "Disappear for good" is a bit rudimentary.

    I made a couple verses also that I feel would be malleable and possibly added into your Senryu string up there. These are just my words, but I like the concept that you're not just saying to stay out of your life, but you're just telling them to stay where they have been since they were when you last needed them: nowhere in sight.

    Stay out of my life;
    it's clearly all you've been good
    at since forever.

    or

    Go back where you were
    when I last needed you here:
    nowhere in my sight.

    I do think it's good, wonderful job N!

    Comment 10 out of 12.

    5/5
    IdTakeABulletForYou

    • 8 years ago

      by deeplydesturbed

      Thank you for your feedback. However, in this case :P I think I will leave as is. I am happy with it the way it is now (even though your edits may be improvements).

  • 8 years ago

    by Mr. Darcy

    Hello,

    powerful and clever too - squeezed into 3 Syntuits.

    Well done on this obvious cathartic write.

    Take care,

    Michael

  • 8 years ago

    by Brenda

    This was a hard read. Well done, but hard. I can't pretend to know the relationship you and your mom had/have/don't have. People reach out for different reasons. I know my sister in law broke away from her mom for her sanity and well being. It hasn't been easy but she's in a better place because of it. I wish you well with your own journey. Only you know what is best for you-take care & hugs-Brenda

    • 8 years ago

      by deeplydesturbed

      Thanks Brenda,
      she actually chose to walk out and leave me and my brother behind, but took our 3 sisters.. So it was her choice.

  • 8 years ago

    by Em

    Aww N. This is such a powerful write and some things are beyond our control.

    All the best, Em

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