S, I voted this then had to go so here I am commenting now.
What a sad, truthful piece. It's all to relatable to me as darkness seems to pull me in all the time especially when things seem to be going well but as the song says 'You don't know you've been high til you're feeling low' and 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' both true.

The rhyming is perfect.

You'll never live forever,
what a nightmare that would be:
Life, death, rinse and then repeat,
chained to eternity.
A prisoner, both you and I;
the whips we fail to see.
In Darkness we will all surrender.
Darkness always chases me.
^^
Though the piece is smooth, this is my fave part as the syllable count is close knit. And I love the image of being chained to eternity.

Much love, Em

We prescribe a pretty pittance to the sins we all avoid
in thinking it will help prevent our souls from entering the void,
yet deep inside, the dreams we make we know exist just in our head
and at the end of this long voyage...? A long, lost friend instead.

This is wow !! Just so true! What a sad but beautifully correct piece. Well done

Stephen, what a wonderfully written piece! So very sad but a lot of food for thought. We are always struggling with time and lack of it and bartering with time we have left and time we have wasted. Does the darkness always have to win? I know I don't want to live forever but I don't like to think that when I go that darkness will be my only passenger, I fight that battle every day.
Your write was beautifully done, flowed wonderfully. Glad to see you writing, it has been missed. Take care-

Hi

***** stars for this excellently written piece.

"here's my suggestion"

We prescribe a pretty pittance to the sins we all avoid
in thinking (put a , here) it will help prevent our souls from entering the void,
yet deep inside, the dreams we make we know exist just in our head
and at the end of this
(remove "long" because voyage means a long travel already)long voyage...?

(and you used it again here-->)A long, lost friend instead.

----so it can be like this if you consider---->
(3rd stanza 2nd line)

In thinking,it will help prevent our

(3rd stanza last line)

And at the end of this voyage?
A long,lost friend instead.

But this is truly a wonderful piece. good job.
5/5

Gel

Hello Stephen, I hope you are keeping well.

This is an excellent and thoughtful piece that really got me thinking. Your writing always has something thoughtful to say and regularly makes me question as I am reading, which I love.
My only slight niggle with this is the massive difference in syllables between the lines. I am often guilty of spending too much time trying to stick to a syllable count and then forgetting the content, so I don't believe there has to be set syllable count in a poem, but I do think that, should the differences be too great, the flow can trip a little here and there.

A dark demise awaiting at the end of this long walk;
whilst edging closer, we will cower
knowing we're prey being stalked

^^

This bit particularly stood out.

What about
'whilst edging closer, we will cower -
prey that's being stalked'.

Just a suggestion and either way, another wonderful write.

SL

Wow... That first stanza is so compelling
the rhyming is excellent as is the imagery.
"Age cannot be bartered, time is earned and it is lost"
powerful and true
We learn through the agest that our lives will be the cost
the cost of our lives is time
the idea of life as a walk with death stalking us is dark
and delicious at the same time.
What a truly imaginative way of portraying life and death

Second stanza
Again reviewing life and death but this time as a lines
on a page. with the final line linking with the first
stanza (dark demise waiting) darkness always gets its way
beautifully written.

Third Stanza

covering the attitude we have to sins and then the thoughts
that actually living forever would be a nightmare. To be chained
to eternity and yet still the darkness always chases.

It is interesting that when we are young we want to live for ever
but as we become more worldly and see life for what it is we realise
that actually living for ever wouldnt be a desirable thing because all
that we love dies not just people but memories, places things. Everything
changes and evolves and as humans our minds dont so easily evolve with change.

Last Stanza

The acceptance that fighting the inevitable is futile. I love the last two lines
I tremble, nearing Darkness, but it greets me like a friend
and like each verse I sculp by hand each life will always meet its end"

a truly beautiful poem that captures the very essence of life, living and death.