I'm not sure... where I should begin.
My heart it aches,
my mind it spins...
Trying trying trying
so hard to please everyone
Never trying quite hard, enough to please myself.
I wish I could take control of this whirlwind of constant flowing emotions
Wish I knew the pattern of what makes them come, and go and come and go
I know it's all very confusing especially when the guilt and the shame take over
Never able to determine whats real, and what the demons in my head want me to believe is real.
But real is what you get from me with so much emotion I wear my heart on my sleeve
My heart is so big, too big most days I cannot contain the love that's within
I cannot control the way love makes me do these things
I love, and I hurt because I push away every person who tries to get close
Worrying that if they get an inch too close
they will see the craziness in my mind
And flee in the other direction.
Like so many others have before.
I can't blame them.
Who wants to be around a girl who goes from angel to devil within a matter of seconds..not able to explain why it happened only knowing suddenly there is this burning fury inside of her that makes her out of control.
I know I don't.
One minute I love so much and the next minute I hate you
I'm sorry I'm sorry,
I'm sorry for always being sorry but I can't help the way I go off sometimes
I mean well I swear to you sometimes I just can't find the right words to get through
And my words are all I have sometimes they are my weapon and I use them to cut
I build my walls up so high the second I feel them coming down I split
Suddenly this girl you thought you knew becomes your worst nightmare
The demons take over and sometimes it only lasts a couple of minutes
But sometimes it can last for days
See it makes it hard for you to love me because these demons seem so real that even I'm convinced in that moment that these feelings and thoughts are true.
I'm sometimes all I can manage to do is lay in bed and cry. Sorry you've seen so many tears I wish I could just get out of bed I need to get out of bed but my soul is so heavy I can't move.
I'm stuck. Stuck in this darkness that has consumed me today.
I've had some really dark days, days where there is no light at the end of the tunnel
Where it all feels like a waste and I'm a waste and the world would be a better place,
If I was gone.
So I swallow some pills to kill the demon inside of me but my body is stronger than I thought and not even 100 pills could stop me from breathing.
I'm still breathing...
I'm here. I'm awake now and once again the demon's disappeared. I survived and I guess that's a good thing but I know worse days are yet to come and I don't think I have it in me to fight them anymore..
I'm happy, I woke up but I know it's only a matter of time before the cycle begins again.
I'm tired. I'm tired of waking up every day and battling this warzone in my mind
Tired of feeling like every word I say is wrong and every move I make will kill me
I'm sorry that this is the me you have to deal with.
Maybe there is some way some day I can take control of this illness
One day you may not have to wipe my tears
May not have to hear the fears
One day maybe I'll wake up and the guilt won't be there and the shame will have just been brushed off as a bad dream.
That's what I feel like I'm living in. A bad dream.
Even when I sleep the nightmares feel better than reality because the reality is I hate mine and at least when I'm sleeping I can escape sometimes.
But,You're the reason I hold on.
The reason that bottle of pills doesn't sound so calming anymore
The reason these thoughts in my head became bearable.
You're the reason I have hope and the reason I am working on getting better.
I love you.
I love you and I will not give up even when every ounce of my being has nothing left in me
I'm here. I will be here. BPD will not beat me down anymore it will make me stronger.
