Smudged ink

Looking around the room
So many memories here
Photographs of friends and family
My smile wide in each one
Yet my eyes are sad
Look deep into them and you will see
The shallowness they have

As the pen meets paper I start to write
The happy times
Followed by the sad
Memories for me which will forever be there
Inside my heart, my mind and my soul
These same memories I want you to keep

As I go further I divulge into my story
When I first noticed I was different
How getting up in the morning got harder
I much preferred the darkness of my room to outside's sunshine
My attempts at ending it all
From slitting of the wrists to the neck
Down the veins and not across
The countless scars in places no one will ever see
The trying to make myself ugly so people won't hurt me

~ again ~

I reveal more, the years in institutions
The constant tears streaming down my face
The hurt he caused me at a young age
The clocks second hand standing still
The time my own mother disowned me, taking his side
Not only leaving me behind but robbing me
Taking away my ability to see my sisters grow
To save them from the same fate I had

To have a friend, a partner
For ten years but only recently being able to let him in
To truly be able to say I love him
I put my trust in him
Then falling back into old habits
My scars are fresh again
The blood stains the sheets as I sleep at night
Within these pages of my story I write
Ramblings that start to lose all sense

The ink smudging on the paper as tears fall
Not because I am afraid
But because I realise I am being selfish
However there is no other way
When you find this it will be done
I will be past rescuing
I will past any help
I am truly sorry I did this
But it was the only way out
I love you

This is
my
final
goodbye