My heart stopped beauting

Laying her back on her prison wall
Why was it different
It hurt more
Shocked more
Chest heavy
Grief affecting her
This terrible ache consuming every pore
Harder to swallow
It was him she's sure

She loons at me
I know the look
She's been hiding behind the sofa
Saying he's been back banging on the door
I know it was the tumble dryer upstairs
Her eyes are bloodshot
A beautiful bright blue bloodshot
Wide as fish eyes
She's been pacing all night holding a knife
She's holding an umbrella
I took the knives last time she cut her wrists
I felt every slash

She's in torn clothes as she tears at her flesh
I feel my flesh tear
That's her last nice dress
No longer nice but torn and red
I give her trousers and a belt
Mine only just brought
They drown her
At least she's covered

She's says he's been calling all night on the phone
I took the phone when she smashed it on the wall
I try to think of everything
In the bathroom there's hair in the chipped shabby sink
She's been pulling it out by the roots
I feel my scalp its sore, alien
I feel everything
I removed the scissors when she shredded her scalp cutting her hair off
Saying this is why he had her her long golden hair
My hair
Lithium pills in the cabinet
Too many
Too many pills
She should of taken these

She Calms
I calm
Promisingly to take her pills
Please please she says don't send me back to hell
But at the secure unit she's safe
I'm safe
Says she'll have a bath
Be better tomorrow

She settles
I settle
So I leave
I'll come back tomorrow
I sleep soundly
First time in months
The morning light gives me slight hope
I can't remember this feeling much

I hear a crash
I run
I'm taking too long
Kicking the door in
I thank God for kickboxing
She's swinging from the oak beam in the ceiling
My belt around her neck
Juddering
I look for scissors
To cut her down
To cut me down
I look for the phone to call an ambulance

I feel my body juddering
My heart stop beating

The belt
The new belt
I hadn't thought about the belt