For someone who had once been so outgoing,
I had drew back my curtains and hid,
Ignoring everything I had ever believed in,
The pain I was in desperate need of to rid.
I didn't see what I had been doing,
Until the damage had itself been done,
They tell you it's important to face your problems,
But all I did without realizing it was run.
Too caught up in my own pain,
Trying to hide the sight of my sick bliss,
Stained white cloth covered in dark crimson patches,
Evidence of my beautiful razors kiss
Emotions cloud my judgement,
Like my love for you clouded but one single thought,
I was so determined because I needed what I wanted,
That I abandoned every moral and belief I have ever myself been taught.
The harsh reality of it never hit me,
Until I way laying alone in that hospital bed,
Head pounding, mind spinning,
Heart stinging from the truth you had said.
I didn't realize what I had been doing,
But I did what I had promised to never do,
I was too worried about trying to make myself feel better,
That I never, not once, had stopped to think about you.
Tears cloud my vision and the ceiling tiles blurr,
As I lay drained, tired, but wide awake,
Trying to make sense of what just happened,
Later realizing it had been me who was being fake.
The heartbeat in my chest racing to the point of discomfort,
As I finally realize the damage I had unintentionally done,
I had tried to avoid ever letting this happen,
But i had given up too soon, My past had eventually won.
You had tried to be gentle and caring,
You had tried to be supportive and kind,
While I stayed stuck, you continued to move forward,
But I just kept taking another two steps behind.
My own selfishness so appalling,
My disrespectfulness so hard to bear,
I should have accepted what you asked of me,
The position you were put in was so unfair.
I never wanted to drag you into this,
I hope you understand,
That I will do as you asked the first time,
All I need is a second chance.
I don't expect you to hand it over,
Nothing in life worth having comes easy,
But it's the simple moments of friendship I needed,
No matter how short, how serious, or how cheesy.
A vicious cycle of fear and blame,
I had let get in the way,
Of what I knew I so desperately needed,
i didn't want to listen to what you had to say.
A selfish act from ones own pain,
Can do so more much than this,
It's when you continue to make these same mistakes,
That the warning signs you start to so easily miss.
When you come to the realization,
And acceptance of the mistakes you made,
That, if followed through will slow down this cycle,
If you're lucky the pattern will fade.
I dragged into the water,
Giving you time at all to breathe,
When you finally came up for air,
You would've, but you didn't get up and leave.
Instead of leaving me there to drown,
You reached in and helped me out,
But that simple act of kindness,
Raised a single shred of doubt.
Your patience blew after having kept all year,
And you left me there to see,
That nobody else can save me from my own vicious cycle,
The only one effective enough to do that is me.
So I'll stand here with my heart on my sleeve,
And swallow what little pride I have left to hold,
Apologizing for my mistakes and understanding,
That these vicious cycles will leave you by self, freezing cold.
