A circle of emotion swirls in my heart,
As I read what I had once wrote line by line,
So many dreams we had talked about that night,
And now I stand alone with a thermus full of wine.
I've somehow lost track of the clock on the wall,
As I try to shove my memories back down,
The anger and the hatred the we had ended it all with,
I left with one, two, three glances back towards that town
Sorrow and pain wrap around my heart,
But I'm just too numb to cry,
Slowly taking down the wall I had put up,
The one I had hid the last eight months worth of memories behind.
Fear creeps up to edge of my chest,
For i haven't yet opened this door,
Raped and pulled out of school; left lost and utterly broken,
You had said goodbye and slammed the door
One summer memory of you in person do I have,
Where I had promised to never leave,
And now as I stand here in cold autumn air,
The memory of that night makes it hard to breathe.
Leaves rustle across the grass Which has yellowed and browned,
Drifting towards the darkness like we at one point did,
We were supposed to be each others support no matter what,
But I had opened up and let you in, and your emotions you had hid.
Wind blows my hair which has long since grown back,
From the collar bone length I had cut it off at,
My way of trying be more confident in myself,
Of trying not believe all the cruel words they had spat.
Take a sip of the red wine I have hidden in my thermus,
As a tear escapes down my face,
Never, not once had I ever intended to hurt you,
But it all went downhill; at such a very fast pace.
Slowly losing grip on everything I had believed in,
I tried to cope with my own emotional pain,
At one point We realized that there was nothing left to give,
Which led to the knowledge that there too;
had been no happiness left to gain.
The anger the hatred the I had once so strongly felt,
Dissipated with the girl I left behind,
This girl now more guarded, hard of trust,
Still hasn't followed the path you had hoped she would find.
Sadness curls up my chest in willowy wisps of smoke,
Leaving an ice cold feeling at the edge,
Having been stepped on, beat down, and abused once more,
I'm teetering back and forth, I'm hanging off the ledge.
What had once been solid ground to me is now what I avoid,
For I don't deserve the luxury of that suitableness anymore,
Watched you pull off into the cold dark night,
As I collapsed in my own tears on the floor.
I skid my boots in the dying grass field,
And while taking a glance up the big bright stars;
The only things that had ever kept
me closer to you between the distance,
I run my fingers over my self inflicted scars.
Everything you had taught me to believe,
Had me falling to my knees in the most vulnerable of ways,
The anger and self hatred I put on myself at night
Replaced the love and support you had given me in the days.
I had made so many mistakes without realizing what they were,
And I had pushed you away, forced you to leave,
And those same exact emotions I had shoved down to forget,
Were now hovering exactly where my heart is; on the edge of my sleeve.
Trying to remember you as the person I had loved,
The only image of you that comes up is the anger and hurt on your face,
The tears that had flooded mascara down my own,
I could no longer spend my nights finding comfort in your grace.
Crickets chirp into the night;
barely a sound against the now growing breeze
Like the very little impact I had on that situation,
Small patches of ice grew on your heart,
You needed the warmth I was offering, but instead you chose to freeze.
Harsher words and even more violant emotional blows,
Took a toll on our emotional health,
All I ever wanted was happiness,
And no way had I ever really wanted or needed someone Else's wealth.
The vicious cycle the we got caught up in between,
The hurtful words we never hesitated to even say,
My own pleas and attempts to reach out to you,
You haven't spoken to me since that day.
Memories long forgotten that I never remembered I'd had,
Covered and Protected by my own crafted wall,
Come pouring out in a cascade of sorrow and unshed tears,
I have no strength left to walk, let alone even crawl.
The autumn breeze brings me back to that cherished night once more,
As more tears begin to fill my eyes,
Love and honesty turned to anger hatred and lust,
We had never been the couple to keep our relationship in lies.
The peace that I do desperately need I hope you too find as well,
For neither of deserve to feel the way we had,
I still don't understand how something so loving caring kind and selfless,
Could turn into such anger, hatred, greed,
just become so bad?
Still I hope you find the happiness that I could never truly give you,
For we both got lost along the way,
And in the end when we looked at each other And said our heartbreaking goodbyes,
I realized that I had lost something beyond special to me that day.
