Living, But Not Living

Anxiety disorders are not something to be glorified.
It is not feeling nervous from time to time.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder is being worried
Every second of every day.
It is overthinking and not knowing the difference between
What is real and
What is not real.
Overthinking/pushing people away/crying/choking/i/can't/breathe
Why/can't/anyone/understand/that/people/make/me/nervous
Next time you're awake
At three o'clock in the morning
Crying because
You fear every ones judgement all the time
Every
Single
Day,
Let me know.
When your panic is so real, that you have chest pain, Your throat closes,
Your face and hands are numb,
You have tunnel vision,
And think you are having a heart attack,
Let me know.
You feel their eyes on you.
They are
Laughing at you.
You are waiting for the day where you won't have to
Worry about what people think but
That day, that day will never come.
Everyone actually
Thinks you're annoying/doesn't want you around/hates you/hates you/hates you
GAD is convincing yourself that
You are trash,
Convincing yourself you are
Not good enough/will never be good enough/you are nothing/nobody
You feel like the air has been sucked out of the room
But everyone around you is breathing,
So why can't I?
What's wrong with me?
I hate myself/I hate my body/I wish I was dead
Having an anxiety disorder is also,
For some people, being
OCD/a perfectionist/insomniac/a germaphobe/picking your nails till they bleed/grinding your teeth
Having to erase and re-write your name
On your homework seven times because
The first time wasn't quite good enough.
It is striving to be perfect at everything and
Hating yourself for not even being close to perfect.
It is locking and unlocking and re-locking the door
At least three times because what if it
Really didn't lock the first time?
It is washing your hands obsessively and
Watching your soft skin dry out, crack, and bleed.
But you continue to wash your hands,
Hoping it will rid you of this illness and
Then you stay awake all night long because your mind just
Won't stop racing.
Don't tell someone you have anxiety because you are
Nervous for a doctor's appointment,
Nervous for a test,
Nervous every once in a while.
Once you feel like all the air in the world
Has been suctioned into everyone else's lungs but your own,
You feel like you are never ever enough,
You worry every second of every day,
You sit around in the early hours of the morning crying,
Wishing you were dead because anything would be better than
This feeling,
Then you can tell me you have anxiety.
You can tell me you have
Generalized Anxiety Disorder when your life
Is run by medications and doctors and therapists,
But nothing seems to work.
This disorder ruins
Friendships,
Romantic relationships,
Lives.
If I can't even
Pick up the phone to make a phone call,
Go out in public without panicking,
Order food at a restaurant without having a meltdown,
Ask for help on an assignment for class,
Then how am I supposed to live my life?
This is living but
Not really living,
With an anxiety disorder.

-H. Elizabeth//the thoughts in my mind//a glimpse into my everyday life