The dieing of a girl

I love him i hate him,
Everydays a fight,
Just because he loves me does not make it right,
Its supposed to be a pedestal but he puts me on a shelf,
I'm never good enough,
I never do it right,
Its harder to say i am sorry than admitting that hes right.
I used to be so happy,
To live life without a care,
Now its fear and self loathing that keeps me up at night and happiness is rare.
Smiles and laughter is not a mask to hide the darkness within.
I'm happy when hes smiling hes the light burning in the dark.

I'm fat
I'm not
I'm not good enough
I am
I'm stupid
I'm smart
I'm worthless to have around.
Compliments are few

I dint even know where to start.

I do the things a woman should,
I cook
I clean
I love

I do a mans work too
I do the heavy lifting
The building
the painting
the fixing
All the things he should be doing
Even with the groceries
He doesn't try to help

But if its not done right he sends me back to hell.
He yells and calls me down,
I'm lower than before,
My opinion never matters,
I'm just not sure anymore.

He will tell me how he loves me,
Apologizes,
And kisses me good night.
And in the morning we both act like everythings alright.

His mind is always reeling and it always feels like hell.
I tiptoe around him
I dint want to set him off
I love the living daylights out of him but does he know i cut?

The urge is just so maddening
The pain that's built inside just needs a little help at being left behind.
Dripping
Dripping
A trail left behind
A puddle formed from blood
The tears run down my face,
I must be a disgrace.

A woman should be sacred especially one like me,
The only thing that gets me,
Is why he just can't see,
That the dieing girl beside him,
is me.