A Ghost Within Each Eye

by Kakera   Dec 1, 2016


There are two of you now,
Ghosts hiding within the brownish green
borders, and the shields,
that are my irises:
forcing me to look at life
from the perspective
of death.

It's only in my dreams
in which we can be together again,
and every time I wake up
I call them nightmares
because of the sadness
and grief.

What would the two of you do
if I was the one trapped in your irises?
Would you ignore my presence;
would you call me a false memory?

I suffer because I survive -
in that, my suffering is a blessing.
But what is survival without living:
what is surviving without being Alive?

And most importantly:
How do I go on Living,
without the two of you
gently caressing
my aching shoulder,

that often feel like
they are carrying
the burden of worlds,
and the weight
of your coffins.

Without you telling me
that it's okay
for me to be me,
that I'm perfect
just the way I am?

Simon, can you see?
Niko, can you see?

Through my eyes,
these words imbued with sorrow
and a longing to once again
hear your voices
whisper words of love
into my ears?

And my guilt
for never having
the chance to
say goodbye?

    report violation
5


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Latest Comments

  • 7 years ago

    by Em

    What a beautiful but sad piece.

    No words can express my sorrow and the heaviness this poem gave me

  • 7 years ago

    by Mr. Darcy

    Dreams are important. Your dreams connect you to what you miss most. This is obviously awful for you. Your poem., I hope brings the healing for you and others.

    Take care,

    Michael

  • 7 years ago

    by Brenda

    This is so sad and achingly beautiful. I am sorry for the loss you are grieving for. Hugs-

    • 7 years ago

      by Kakera

      Thank you so much for your sentiments, and reading as well as commenting. I appreciate the attention the poem is getting a lot, because of how important it is to me.

  • 7 years ago

    by Mary

    This is a very touching and telling write. Very well written and your sorrow can be felt throughout the piece.

    • 7 years ago

      by Kakera

      Thank you for reading and commenting. It means a lot to me. This piece is exceptionally important to my healing...

  • 7 years ago

    by Hellon

    This poem so needs to be read by many I feel....obviously you are feeling a loss of some kind and...I do not want to intrude in your private time dealing with that. suffice to say. I was really moved by your words...

    • 7 years ago

      by Kakera

      Thank you for being so immensely respectful, but what has happened is no secret. Some of you (PnQers in general) might remember that Simon, my best friend and my soulmate, died on July 4th 2015. October this year, one of my soulsiblings died as well.

      I'm haunted by nightmares. Not the scary kind, but the kind that makes you wake up feeling like you want to kill yourself instead. The kind where your sorrow is so deep it is crippling. Thankfully my doctor has prescribed anti-anxiety medication which allows me to calm down from the panic attacks and suicidal urges when I wake up from these nightmares, and peacefully sleep the rest of the night.

      But everything has turned monochrome, life has lost any joy for me. All beauty I see in four dimensions, as if I can't help but to see all that is present and beautiful yet also see visions of it crumbling into ash and dust. Like how all beautiful things are fleeting, how even the Heaven and Earth are the epitome of impermanence. That's what I mean when I saw that these two people who meant more to me than my own life itself died, and how they became Ghosts inside my vision - how their deaths force me to see everything as a fleeting dream that someday soon will end. How all life is, is a journey towards death.

      And yet, I am not a nihilist. I reject nihilism. I imagine the death of everything around me involuntarily, and struggle to find a catharsis to cleanse me from this taint of death - to find myself a life worthy of me living. Because I am living for three people now. Simon and Niko never got the chance. As my soulmate and my soulsibling respectively, I owe it to them to try and live a life worthy of everything they thought I deserved but I could never comprehend.

      I don't seek attention by writing this reply. I want you to understand, since you showed me a respect that is uncompromising by refusing to ask me. The fact that you didn't ask me showed me that you care, and that you respect me. I would never have written this had you asked, because that *would* be intruding.

      But you didn't. Because you're an amazing person. And since you wanted to know, I've given you the truth,

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