You were the best star in my night sky.
You shined the brightest; and though the others were a faint twinkle, they were still mere pieces that help complete the layout of my sky.
You however;
Your light would burst through the darkness,
Burning close to that of a thousand suns.
You were the center of my sky;
And without you everything has fallen apart.
Each of the other stars are fading one by one-
For you were the fuel that kept them alive.
They represented all of the other things that have become a part of me.
Your light had balanced out the deafening darkness in my life;
Making everything so perfectly equal.
You are the reason that I have become this beautifully crafted..
However you didn't craft me..
For that wasn't your goal.
You wanted me to learn it in my own-
Because if I fell apart apart;
I would know how to rebuild myself alone if you weren't there to help me.
You merely did what no other dared..
You dedicated the first half of the year to helping me find the broken parts of myself needed to realize who I am-
And the second half to helping me glue those parts back together.
Your light was used to knock out any darkness that dared threaten to intervene during the process.
In doing all of this;
you became the brightest star in my night sky.
And I took you everywhere I went,
My brilliant star.
Until your light was ripped from me;
leaving me in pitch black.
I panicked.
I needed you like I needed food, in the survival sense.
My heart starved without you.
It beat rapidly;
Clenching; caving in on itself with each day you were gone;
your absence shriveling up my heart the way your stomach
does when you haven't eaten in a while-
acid eroding it slowly and painfully from the inside out.
Waves of black continued to curl around my heart every passing hour;
The smoke in which composed it
Growing more acidic by the second.
It entrapped my already damaged heart;
Smothering my lungs in its evil clutches.
It shoved out any possible chance of oxygen;
Leaving me with the incapability to scream.
My chest continuously felt like it was caving in.. like my
Lungs were collapsing in on themselves,
Making the pain of breathing;
if even possible,
almost unbearable.
The first time you came back;
Your reappearance brought the purest relief and joy to me;
as if I had finally been given a feast; having felt deprived of any food for months.
And like a dying rose;
I indulged myself in the presence of your light.
I drank in every drop of love you poured down on me;
pure relief and happiness coursing through my veins.
I was paralyzed from almost completely drowning in the bitter agony;
The seemingly unescapable darkness that Eli had trapped me in-
And I was drained from trying and failing so many times;
Having pushed myself to fight harder and longer in every
new attempt than I did the one before that.
I suffocated in sorrow and heartbreak;
Missing you to the point in which your name brought an onslaught of tears;
Your absence left an ache that bit deep down the core of my soul.
But when you returned;
It felt like I had finally managed to find my way
To the edge of the woods;
Disoriented and sick;
Throat unbearably raw from pointless screaming.
The intensity of it-
Of the possibility of getting back to safety;
It was overwhelming.
I collapsed into your loving arms-
Letting my broken body and fractured heart rest for the first time in what felt like forever.
It took me this long to realize any of this-
Especially since you have long since left again.
But it wasn't strength that would help me get out-
It was taking a leap in having faith.
I realized this once I finally gave up on fighting;
I fell to my knees, sobs racking my body- and I begged to a god who was my last hope.
I managed to blindly follow you;
For I didn't need to be able to see you-
I could feel you.
I could feel you silently watch over me from afar,
Praying I remember what you taught me,
Hoping that I never stray too far from where I'm going.
After almost two and a half years;
You are still the brightest star in my night sky;
Even if I can't see you anymore;
I always feel you.
And even though it hurts so much to miss you-
It is you, your memory, and your love-
That helps me find my way back any time I ever get lost.
And the significance of your star in my night sky;
Will never, ever fade.
