Jaded

by Slap Stick Junkie   Dec 29, 2016


Not even a poem. More of a venting session.

Laughter. Joy. Excitement.
I wish I knew how that felt.

All I feel is a lost of my will to live.

Sometimes the air suffocates me and I can't breathe, think, or make decent judgements.

I hate to get out of the bed. Everyday is like torture. I'd rather stay asleep for a long time.

Drip drop. My nose just won't stop running. I might be dying low-key. Screw it. I don't care.

I sometimes wish I was a little more depressed so that I had the guts to end it all. My daughter helps me each day to crack at least one smile.

I owe it to her to be a great mom. She didn't ask for any of this. I'm not good enough for her. I actually feel sorry for her. I regret my life so much. My mom should have aborted me.

I honestly feel so lost. I can't stop the silent tears. I feel like I'm losing it. I need some kind uplifting, but I don't have the energy to fight.

My shoulders are extremely tense and full of pain. My head hurts almost every day.

Yesterday I woke up and did my face. I felt OK for about ten minutes and then the feeling left. I'm in a rut. A deep, unfulfilled rut.

No one cares to listen to me. My boyfriend just gets made, my step-mom will judge me, make me feel less than and then go tell her entire family so that they can judge me as well. I have no one.

My daughter is my world and the only reason that I try to keep going. But I think she'll be better off without me. She is such a great girl. She has so much potential. She has a chance to do what she wants and get what she can put of life. I have no choice. My choice was taken and cut off.

I'm stuck in between reality and fairytale land. Even though fairytale land only lasts when I am sleeping. When I'm sleeping, I dream of a life I have always wanted. I am happy in my sleep. I don't have to be awake in the real world and be reminded of being a failure... Reminded of how I have no control of how I want to live.

I'm just all over the place with no sense of stability. I am lost and that's all their is to it. Screw me, right?

    report violation
1


Did You Like This Poem?

Latest Comments

  • 7 years ago

    by Brenda

    I'm sorry you have such a fight within yourself. Depression is such a rough disease to live with or attempt to live with. Never, ever forget you are important and your life has meaning. You may not see it but it is. There is a purpose you are here. It breaks my heart to hear that you think your daughter would be better off with you gone. You are the center of her universe. I don't know how old she is but I'm guessing she's fairly young. I lost my dad to an accident when I was 7 and it had lasting effects on me. The loss of your parent is profound for a child. I would give anything to have another day with my dad. I know it's hard when you have naysayers in your ear but you really have to tune them out. I don't know if you have seeked professional help at all or anything like that but maybe talking to a neutral party would help, give you some coping skills to be able to deal with the day to day so that your dream time matches your day time. I wish you all the best and I'm pulling for you and your daughter-hugs-

    • 7 years ago

      by Slap Stick Junkie

      Thank you for the uplifting message. I struggle everyday with this problem. One day I will be free from this mental prison. I am tired of feeling invisible and that everyone matters, but me. That sounds selfish, I know. I appreciate you commenting. It means a lot.

More Poems By Slap Stick Junkie