The rhymes in this don't really seem necessary, and unless you meant this to be a silly piece, they feel extremely out of place. But other than the rhymes, it feels like this piece is meant to leave an impact and share your pain of losing someone or waiting on them - so maybe you didn't really make your goal or theme very clear. Also, and this is rare for me, I think this piece could really benefit from some punctuation, because only having some at the end of the piece really throws the reader for a loop, and had you had some punctuation marks a little more emphasis could have been placed on important ideas or moments in the piece. Another thing punctuation might have done for this piece is break it up so there is a little bit more natural flow to the piece.

Interesting write, but I think it was too scattered for me to really understand.