Did it ever occur to you?

Have you ever thought;
That it wasn't me that was the one who changed?
That it wasn't me that was the one who was drowning
That horrific month of September?
Judgement clouded by too much excitement
over seeing each other for the first time in months;
That neither of realized that we were still both angry over
Eli.
Did the thought ever occur to you that maybe;
All of my mistakes were desperate pleas for help?
That maybe I felt like your attention was too much on my body
And not enough on my mind?
That maybe,
Using affection as escape;
You got lost and I was feeling useless.
Feeling like nothing I did was right;
So I'd beat myself up
Even knowing it wasn't my fault.
Have you ever thought
that maybe it wasn't me who lost touch with myself;
Not at first.
I never did half the things I said I did;
And I almost admitted it
the other night.
Did it ever cross your mind that
I was the one screaming;
Trying to get to you before you drowned,
When all the pretty colors faded
And the fabric of our fantasy
Fell apart?
Each attempt failed one after another
And You just got angrier
and angrier;
More closed off.
And where was I left?
I started drinking to cover my own pain.
And when you left;
I was just as broken as you had been.
Have you ever considered...
That my talking was a last desperate plea to get the attention
Of the man I loved instead of the man
Who spent so much time admiring my body
Instead of my mind?
My last,
And final plea for you to hear me calling?