I have always told myself I would not live to be an old man,
Not because of some kind of random act of violence but because I always thought I would kill myself,
As I got older my feelings changed on the matter but sometimes I think I still feel the same,
Once a cutter always a cutter, if suicide fails you try try try again,
I've become a functional suicidal being,
I'll get up go to work, go to the gym, spend time with my family and pay bills but in the back of my mind I know I could end it all,
it doesn't even matter if things are finally looking up in my life,
I really believe that I'm just waiting on the right time to do it,
A month from now, a year, maybe ten years but at some point I'll end it,
I know that's terrible to think about but in my life thinking like this gets me through the day,
The scariest part about myself is the feeling that I have the ability to take my own life,
and at any time, maybe after I finish writing this.
