Enough

Up early every morning
Exercising before work
And then again after
Every day
I was determined to make you love me
To be beautiful for you
to shed every ounce of myself that I possibly could
Never realizing, I was losing myself

I ate only what I had to
counted every single calorie
questioned every single bite
Did I really need it
Should I really eat it

I was obsessed with my weight
Stared at myself in the mirror
my reflection, never beautiful to me
My eyesight was clouded
By your infidelities and your lies
No matter how much I fought
I couldn’t see beauty in myself

I looked at all these other woman
What was it that they had?
I gave you more than you asked for
Proved my loyalty to you over and over
And yet it was never enough
What did them other women have
What were they giving you
That I couldn't?
I stared at their pictures
At their phone numbers
At their messages
And at their confessions to me
It consumed my life

No matter how you promised to change
You never did
You always made me feel at fault
It was my fault because I searched for it
It was my fault because I felt it
I dreamt about it
I could sense it
You said I was crazy
That I nagged you too much
I lost grip with reality
And started to believe you

Years I kept the pain inside
Pretending everything was fine
We continued living a lie
We departed ways several times
But you pulled me right back
Every time...
Promises on top of promises
The list piled higher and higher
Every time...
A million Promises
you never intended to keep

And then one day
It hit me like a ton of bricks
Ripped my heart out
Felt like I was dying
I couldn't stop crying
For days and days
the tears flowed like a river
My head pounding
My heart beating
I almost gave up
.....until finally....
I began to see what I never could before
I'll never forget
The moment it all made sense

It wasn't me
It's been you all these years
But you twisted everything
Played victim every time
You made me hate myself
I prayed for the strength to change
To be what you needed me to be
Never understanding
I was searching for the unattainable

I realize now
That it would be a blessing
To receive half of what I've given you
So no more tears
No more pain
No more stress
And no more lies
I am enough
I am more than enough

Today I pity you for not seeing
You didn’t see how I loved you
I adored you
I would have killed for you
I would have died for you
I would have given anything
Just to make you see ME
I sacrificed my own happiness for you
I smiled every day
While I was dying inside
Begging God to open your eyes
To make you love me
The same way that I loved you

Today I stand here a stronger woman
The same in flesh
But different in soul
Different in spirit
a woman who is whole
Beautifully made
gratefully imperfect

My waist line…more inches than I’ll admit
But I carried your son
This was his home for 9 long months
Though my body has changed
I couldn’t imagine life any other way
He is my strength when I am weak
The reason I can stand here today
The reason for this speech

My hips, beautifully designed
The perfect seat for your son
That boy has been glued to my hips
From the very day he was born
His happy place, his comfort zone
There is beauty in that alone
you never stopped to notice it

My thighs; hearty and strong
thickened from walking around
Carrying this pain for so long
Not only did I carry your betrayals
But I carried the responsibility of your child
And have treated him as my own
These legs have carried your baggage
Your lies, the insecurities you created
The names and the faces
The broken promises
These legs have carried it...all too long
Though they be big, they are beautiful!
They are mine and I love them

No more tears
No more pain
No more stress
And no more lies
I am enough
I am more than enough