Failings

by Brenda   Aug 14, 2017


I'm failing at bonding
with a child
that's never been mine...
-
When we met,
he was already formed.
The collision course
his life was on
already possessed craters
of epic proportions.
There was no traversing these.
Even with his father
by my side...
-
Bi-polar, anxiety, PTSD...
just to name a few,
issues...
Let's add alcohol, drugs,
stuff to chase
the voices away...
Positively a cornucopia
of tricks and treats
that make being around
this child, this man-child
truly a trial.
-
And he's living
with us...
I try to be patient,
give him the benefit
of the doubt.
His ways, his behavior,
the bouncing around
the house all hours.
The stuff he does,
the things he knows better
than to do but does
them anyway
has stressed
us both to the max...
-
My own pills
"of eternal happiness"
are no match for
this child, this man-child...
My own OCD
is like a jack hammer
rat-a-tatting my brain
resulting in mutterings
under my breath,
deep sighs,
a fairly sour disposition
I'm not succeeding
in shaking off...
-
And I feel awful...
Where's the love?
Compassion?
Acceptance?
Why am I having
such a hard time
dealing with the continual
cleaning up behind
his messes?
He's one of our children...
The eldest,
with the maturity level
of a fifteen year old,
at times...
He's had therapy,
he's had scripts,
has bounced from job to job.
He knows right from wrong,
but continues on this path,
some of his own choosing...
Am I supposed to support
that?
So there's my failure,
there's my quandary
I'm really sucking at this...

9


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Latest Comments

  • 7 years ago

    by CJ Maleney

    Judging comment

    "Failings" By Brenda 7 points

    I found this to be a quite harrowing poem to read that triggered a lot of thought and emotion within myself and yet it pulls you in completely.
    Such emotion and frustration so effectively and fluently voiced you can't escape it although some of it makes your heart bleed.

    I can only imagine what it's like, not being able to bond with a family member, but from what is described within I can easily see how this would be the case.

    The last stanza actually got an audible "NO" from my lips. You are not failing, you're doing everything you can from what I perceive. That some people refuse to help themselves is unfortunately a fact of life.

    Incredibly well written and conveyed (7)

  • 7 years ago

    by Dagmar Wilson

    Dear Brenda my heart goes out to you please dont beat yourself up. You did the best you could and some more. I have a daughter like that I love her bit I keep my distance for my own sake
    She is toXic
    Keep praying and let me hug you.

    • 7 years ago

      by Brenda

      Dagmar, thank you so much for strength and kind thoughts. I felt your Hugs! I'm figuring out the best way to deal with him and not lose my mind.

  • 7 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Sending hugs and love. I am not a mother so I cannot possibly begin to understand, but I have respect and appreciate all mothers who do the best they can with what they're given. It hit home when you talked about mental illness as well because that heavily affects one side of my family and it's hard... my mom helps out a lot (as much as she can living in another state). There are some day it seems simple, and other times, I know my mom gets beyond frustrated. I know, just from seeing how hard she tries, that there's a lot of guilt but that in the end, my mom has to focus on her self-care and realize she can't do everything in the world.

    You have a pure heart and I'm wishing you a smoother road up ahead...
    take care <3

    • 7 years ago

      by Brenda

      Thank you so much for your inspiring and kind words. I'm trying to find a way to accept and understand him more without losing myself in the process. He's back in therapy right now and I hope that gives him more tools to deal with the day to day stresses. Hugs back to you and your family and the struggles you all are facing yourselves.

  • 7 years ago

    by Sai

    As a daughter, I can't imagine making my mother feel this way. Sometimes we feel like everything we've done (all the sacrifices and such) is still not enough, but that doesn't mean it really is. I'm sure writing this poem down helped ease those self-doubts and disappointments. Loved reading this, all the best.

    • 7 years ago

      by Brenda

      Sai, thank you! Some of what he does, he knows better, other stuff, I know it's his illness. There's where my quandary lies, I hate when I feel aggravated and crazy when some of the simplest things arent done, ie; flushing the toilet....to me that's a common courtesy. I'm at an age where I don't have to clean up after kids, unless it's the grandbabies. Then I feel like crud because I am not being more understanding, this is where as a parent I feel like a huge failure, hence the write.

  • 7 years ago

    by Mark

    This is a very moving poem. It conveys your emotions and situation really well. 'Pills of my eternal happiness' is a particularly moving line. Well done.

    • 7 years ago

      by Brenda

      Mark, thank you! Yeah, my pills of eternal happiness have gotten me through a lot. They help smooth those road bumps.

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