The Epic Reality of Suicide

On a Monday morning September 17th, 2007 my life changed forever. Two days prior on September 15th, 2007 I played in a Jv football game against Columbus East. I don't really remember much about that game. I'm sure we got demolished, as we often did against them. That day remains dear to my heart, because it was the last day I saw my mother alive on this Earth. I remember being so eager to go to a friend's house afterwards, and do what teenagers do. Had I known then what I know now, I would have never went to that friend's house. For weeks prior to this day my mother would pick me up from football practice crying. Saying things like "I don't know what to do. Tyler, I'm so unhappy. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to live like this anymore." I would always reply with, "I love you, and I need you in my life." As I would hold her and cry as well. She would often knock on my door when my dad wasn't home in the middle of the night crying, and hugging me. Repeating those same three sentences over and over. I was only 16 at the time, having recently just gone through a battle with depression that ended up with me changing schools, and having to complete a one week out-patient stint at Ten Broeck. I had no clue what to do. I just assumed that it would all pass over, and she would eventually feel better like what happened in my case. Oh how wrong I would turn out to be. So let's back track for a moment to her adolescence. See she was mentally scarred as a child. She was bullied and made fun of all throughout elementary and middle school. Oh, how she blossomed though, into an absolutely gorgeous and intelligent woman graduating as the valedictorian of her high school class. The torment she had suffered early in life she was never able to get over. She spoke about it to me quite often. She would tell me that everyone would laugh at her, and call her Alpo a popular dog food at the time on the bus home from school. These mental scars mixed with a genetic predisposition for depression made for a figurative toxic cocktail of sorts. See her uncle had committed suicide in the 90's, her aunt had dealt with depression, her little cousin did as well, and I also had my battle with it at an early age as I stated previously. Once I got old enough to where I was gone at friend's houses most nights, and my dad working all the time. She ended up at home alone by herself a lot. Her past hindered her ability to make friends, because she was antisocial from all the years of torment. People just got on her nerves, and I'm sure there were trust issues thrown in as well. Constantly thinking every stranger around her was judging her appearance, and talking behind her back about it. That loneliness, and emptiness grew and grew over the years. Slowly manifesting itself creating deep dark empty holes in her heart. I was too young, and dumb to notice. She would drop hints all the time as to what she was thinking. Saying things like ''at my funeral I want this song played,'' and ''at my wake I don't want an open casket.'' Just little things that in hindsight were clear telltale signs of someone thinking about doing the unthinkable. On Sunday, September 16th, 2007 my father picked me up from my friend's house and told me that my mom left. When I asked him what he meant, he just said with the most worried look in his eyes that she left and that he didn't know where she went. When we got home my grandparents were there. Everyone was scared because no one knew where she was, and she said she wasn't coming back while anyone was there except for me. I immediately called her, and had my last phone call conversation with her. I told her to come home. I told her I needed her. I told her I couldn't live without her. I told her that I appreciated her so much. I started begging crying "PLEASE COME HOME MOMMY...... PLEASE." She responded with "I'll be home later I promise. I love you." I then said, "Is everything going to be okay?" She said, "Yes it is. I'll be home soon. I love you." It took hours for me to be able to calm down. I then stayed up for many more hours waiting for her to return home before I finally fell asleep. I was woken up the next morning by a loud banging on my bedroom door. It was my father frantically asking "Where's your mom, where's your mom?" He was rushing around the house. He ran down stairs, and to this day I can still hear the scream he screamed that morning. It's embedded in my brain, like the surgical scar on my arm. It was at that moment that I knew what happened. I instantly dropped to the floor, and I felt as if all of the life inside of me came out of my body. My dad ran back upstairs rushing over to me crying hysterically saying, "Don't go down there, don't go down there. Why? Why? Why?" He then got on the phone and called 911, "She's dead, she's dead. Please come OH MY GOD she's dead." I just sat on the floor in disbelief. How could this have happened? Was I not good enough for her to live for? Was it my fault for not recognizing the warning signs? She had just told me the night before everything was going to be okay. It would be years before I would even have the courage to talk about this to people. The first year was a whirl wind of emotions anger, sadness, abandonment, betrayal, and in a weird way happiness because I knew she wasn't suffering anymore. Of all the emotions the abandonment is what affected me the most I believe. It caused me to hurt the girl I loved that had been by my side through all of this. Mainly because I had the most prominent woman in my life abandon me. So I sought out acceptance from any girl I could at the time, in a way to prove to myself that I was good enough. I surrounded myself with people at all times. However, most of those times I felt completely alone. I suffered quietly, and emotionally for a very long time. I honestly should have won an Academy Award for the performance I put on for those first few years after her death. On the outside everything seemed great, I had a ridiculous amount of friends and family supporting me, I had a beautiful caring girlfriend that put up with more shit than anyone should ever have to put up with, I had a nice first car, and all of my needs were taken care of. All I had to do was what I was doing, no real responsibilities, but the loneliness and emptiness that I had in my heart was something I would wish on no one. See the thing people that are contemplating suicide don't take into consideration is how their actions will affect the people they love. I know she probably thought that I would be better off without her, however, that couldn't be further from the truth. I need her more today than I did those 10 years ago. I'll never know her as a person. I'll never know her anything more than just my mother, when she was so much deeper than that. You don't really know your parents until you become an adult. I know my dad better now than I ever did before. You get to see the depth in them. You understand how hard it must have been to raise a child at their age. I mean I'm 26, and I can't even imagine the stress of raising a child, and my parents had me when they were 20. I would be able to connect more with her now, than I ever was able to before. If I have children they'll never know how intelligent, beautiful, and funny their grandmother was. If I ever get married I won't be able to have that mother son dance. All of these things were taken from me in an instant. The worst part is there's no one to blame. This wasn't a murder. It wasn’t from a terminal illness. It wasn't an accidental death. Not to degrade any of those because they’re just as awful. It was suicide though. Having to live with the thought of your own mother being so unhappy, and lonely is hard to come to terms with. She did what she did because these inner demons were so unbearable, it wasn't worth fighting them anymore. She left no note, and only gave very subtle warnings that were easy to overlook. I've gone through photo albums, and it's very easy to see how unhappy she actually was. I have hundreds of pictures of her, and she is only smiling in a handful of them. All of the rest you can see a broken, and emotionally drained human being. This next part I feel is important I didn't write this to garner sympathy for myself for an event that took place 10 years ago. I wrote this in hopes that it might help someone going through a similar situation realize that they aren't alone, or someone who's contemplating suicide realize the damage that will be done to their loved ones. Maybe even help other people see the warning signs that I was too blind to see. No one knows for sure what happens when you die. They can fill your head with all of these fairy tale scenarios, but in the end they do not know. Nothing after this life is guaranteed. The only thing that is guaranteed is today. So if you're going through this seek help. Do what you have to do to defeat, and overcome this chemical imbalance in your own head. Most importantly LIVE, and tell the ones you hold dear to your heart just how much they mean to you, and how much they are appreciated. You never know when the last time you see them will be. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number is 1-800-273-8255. Every life is worth living.