Identity

Judging comment:

You got me with your very first lines: "That tornado is not mine.
My defects are far more elegant.” And oh, what followed, the metaphors, the comparisons and the images that built in my head, they scared me. Having said that your defects were far more elegant and then comparing those defects to those of an elephant man, I took a step back from the intensity of the poem that I was unfolding; and then when you came to vampires, that was it. I had goosebumps. But then you move from your definitive of "I am not", "Not I", and "I am in control", to the "Who knows" and "Perhaps", and that takes this poem to a next level. A perfect beginning with a perfect climax. Well done.

Fascinating write Alice. I liked how you disclaimed any chaos going on and at the end questioned yourself on the possibility it really was. Well done-

“That tornado is not mine.
My defects are far more elegant.”

The sheer honesty is refreshing and the statement that your defects are more elegant is indicative of self-love, that you’re at peace with your inner turmoil (or whatever you’d liken the tornado to). It’s clever, and to be frank with you, I’m jealous I did not pen those words first.

“I am not the Elephant Man,
not marred and clouded out,
futile
in bubbling flesh,
warped as a vulgar contortionist.”

Building on top of the metaphor of likening oneself to a tornado (or rather denying that metaphor), the inclusion of the Elephant Man is interesting to say the least, his life was depressing especially the way he was treated.

“Not bumbling,
not toppling like an insolent child
in a gale.
No! Not I!
I am in control.”

Circling back to the initial metaphor (tornado/wind) is a nice touch; the vivid imagery of a child throwing a tantrum is powerful, it’s adds a touch of nostalgia (I can remember a couple of childhood tantrums that I felt justified in at the time, but growing up its rather silly to look at). The usage of “No! Not I!” followed by “I am in control” is intriuging, is the speaker saying this to convince themselves or rather state it clearly for the audience?

“I sleep with vampires,
donate my neck so tenderly
in glee.
I let them eat me up,
suck out all that is free and pure
leave tar to course me,
and mark the territory
of unending gall
in all my bones.”

I’m hemophobic so I recoiled a bit reading this, I randomly become conscious of my neck and it makes me uneasy. That’s the sensation I got reading this, I’d like to think it was intended, and not a consequence of my phobia lol. The imagery of tar coursing through your veins is powerful; blood losing its viscosity and thickening into tar. The willingness to sacrifice life raises questions; is it because the speaker feels that their ‘blood’ would be best used by the zombies? It sort of paints a symbiotic relationship between the speaker and vampires (though its entirely unsustainable), and that’s interesting.

“Yet is that too a jewelled illusion?
Who knows what past could be mine,
which shining palace or flaking shack I built
when it is steeped in rubble-
the war zone that is thought?”

This is the climax of the poem for me; the gentle harvesting of sowed seeds (the non-sustainable relationship with the vampires, the ‘I am in control’ verse that raises the question whether the speaker is trying to convince themselves or rather convince the audience”. It throws everything into disarray much like the tornado; the juxtaposition between a shining palace and a flacking shack is a nice touch.

“Who knows what truth
can be painted of the self,
when all colours,
those lively and those storming palettes
are blurred each time we greet the canvas
in receiving something new?”

The literary devices used shifts from heavy metaphor usage to equal parts imagery and metaphor here, and it’s welcomed; it reiterates the idea of the speaker being muddled.

“Perhaps I did brew those refuted winds…”

The ellipsis here is an excellent touch. The decision to use ‘perhaps’ in lieu of a definitive ‘yes’ is a great one, it speaks to the extent of the speaker’s turmoil; coming full-circle with the tornado. ‘Refuted’ is also significant; the speaker does not definitively accept responsibility for the destruction, just yet, but is no longer vehemently denying it. After reading this concluding verse, I cannot help but wonder if the speaker slowly coming to terms with what they did in a frenzied state of mind?

Overall, this was an excellent write, it’s nuanced & well thought out. I’m hoping to see this grace the front page, or at the very minimum pick up a honorable mention. I’ve been reading your poetry for a while, and didn’t want to leave a quick comment since your poetry deserves much better, so please keep sharing your work with us. :)

- Mark

Alice :)

A wonderful piece full of abstract imagery, which flows very easily.
Great job
Much love
Michael :)x and pleased it has been nominated

Alice, this is a brilliant exploration into the questioning of one's own identity. All new experiences are coloured by our past and the things we already know or believe to be true.
I've read this at least three times now and it's fascinating!
Brilliant! :-) x
=^.^=