Villain

I liked to blame others
Because we aren't supposed to be the villain in our own stories.
So I had to make mine up, or doctor it
So I still got to be the hero.
And it worked.
It worked so well and it worked so long
That I thought I could just live that way.
But nature has a way of equalizing Humanity's evolutionary jackpot.
So I got saddled with manic depression and finally had to admit that I might be the villain.

But being the villain didn't mean that I stopped wanting more.
It didn't cure the loneliness
or solve for Happiness divided by the square root of negative one.
The last time I saw my self respect I believe I was still in braces.
But adults get braces too, so what am I really saying?
Nothing new, most likely
But I'm not about to let that stop me from saying it.
Because I'm sick and tired of saying things that aren't true.
I think I might be a villain.

I know plenty of men who would attest to it
And probably as many women.
I wanted to be able to love them, sure.
But to be honest I've wanted a lot of things
That seem entirely unnecessary to me now.
The tangential relationship between

The number of houses I've left after midnight
And my desire to outrun my demons

Has run its course but stuck around.
Like the conversationalist who doesn't know when to say goodbye.
I've been looking for a way to gracefully back out
Because "in for a penny, in for a pound" never stuited
My toe-dipping attitude.
But I can't work my way past thinking I'll find what I'm looking for in a stranger's mind
And only finding my way into their bedroom.

The more I think about it...
(I must be the villain.)
I speed up for yellow lights and won't let you merge in rush hour.
(I didn't want to be the villain.)
I cruise in the left lane and let my hands get dirtier than I should.
(But if there's no other role for me to play...)
I chew with my mouth open and expect too much from people.
(Being the villain is better than not being a part of the story.)
I demand punctuality and I come in late to work.
(Like Grendel, I let my misery bring me down to its level.)
I'm saddled with the debts of our forefathers and I can't afford to eat till Friday.
(I like to blame others.)
I really like to blame others.
(Oh boy, do I.)