I went too far

I've seen too much
Somehow I still have my sanity
And I know it was God because he was constantly blessing me
See I had never set rules & guidelines on how my romance life was suppose to be
I just scattered paint on a canvas, thinking somehow my abstract painting
Would turn out as this Beautiful Master piece
See I was wrong about everything
The Different colors of that paint hitting that canvas so hard & rapidly
Pink! green! red! orange! blue! yellow!
I couldn't keep up with all the colors they were coming so swiftly
And every color of my different relationship came & went
And in each relationship less and less of me was there.. I called this settling
Settling became my bestfriend we were such good buddies
I didn't like it.. but... it was the only way I could cope with what was happening to me
I was dying --
I was dying mentally
I was screaming but no one could hear me
My imagination took over & started living for me
My Mind was driving but my heart was forced to the back seat
I was lying to myself, unknowingly
I couldn't stay alone , I needed companionship
Yea I know what your thinking get huge dog or a little cute puppy
No I need a humans brain to interact with mine no manner how messed up or damaged it was
I needed a humans heart to pump some life in my slowing dying body
I was alive day to day.. but I wasn't LIVING if you ask me
As least not how I wanted to be
I'm tried of the scattered scarps of my heart
I want someone to heal me
Prove me wrong , I don't want to ADD to you in my imagination anymore
Be you, be good Enough for me please!
I want to meet you , whoever you are & love you for who you are & not who I image you to be

* this poem is the summary of my past relationships Over my years of high school , college & 2 year after college. I have a great imagination& I used it when my relationships started to go bad. I made up excuses for why I stayed with the men I was with that treated me really bad . At first when I dated them It was magically But to keep it that way in my mind I would start lying to myself. And it was toxic. And the end of the poem I'm talking to my husband whoever he is. lol .. A little background to help you understand more but thanks for listening !