Honest Love Poem

It feels like I've never gotten what I wanted.
Or more like I never will again.
It was his smile.
It was something about the way his smile reached his eyes...
It was the kind of smile that you were sad to see go.
So the only thing on my mind for the last six months
Has been that damned smile of his
I had meant to write a love poem back there,
But I've never really been a love poet
Unless that love is topped with bitter
Because bitter is all I've ever managed well.
But between his laugh and his wit
I felt this corkscrew work its way into my heart
And I've been trying to rip that sucker out like I'm trying to start a snowblower.

It's hard to write when it isn't fueled by negativity
Similar to my inability to give positive feedback,
My whole life has been a study of the word failure
And I can't shake myself loose from this fixation.
So let me try and silhouette the positive in the spaces where negativity won't reach,
He isn't capable of being ugly
But I would love to see him try.
The art that comes out of the words he speaks
Doesn't always reach me
When I have to juggle comprehension with the mental exercise of trying not to smile like a fool when his attention drifts my direction.
I couldn't count the number of times he has passed, casual, through my mind
But if you have some time, I wouldn't mind trying.