Letter to a Friend

Yes, I have lived with a heroin addict. Yes, I have been physically and mentally abused. I have lived in fear and dreaded coming home at night. I have been lied to, robbed, and hurt more than I can ever put in to words. I have also loved him more than I thought anyone could love another person. We went through hell together. Three overdoses, two lost jobs, and many nights going to bed hungry. Shouting matches, suicide attempts, kidney disease, and cancer.

I've handled more than my new heart should be able to handle. I've seen more than I ever wanted to see, and I know plenty more about addiction and mental health issues. I've held my best friend in my arms, watched him die. I've called him horrible names while trying to bring him back to life. I've visited him in a psych ward. I've seen him at his best and his worst. I've watched him light up a room with his quirky sense of humor, and I've held him in my arms while he cried and apologized for all the things he said and did to me.

I miss the cuddles and the breakfast in bed. I miss the gentle kisses and the declarations of love. I miss the movie marathons and the bedtime stories. I miss being asked how my day was every night or if I ate that day. I miss the secrets only we shared and the private looks in a room full of people. I miss being taken care of when I'm sick. The back rubs, the soup, and the warm baths. I miss my best friend and soul mate, because he is lost. He is fighting demons that only he can see. Demons he doesn't want to talk about or face. Demons that turn him in to someone he is not.

I hate it when people say that all drug addicts should die, that they are all loser junkies. I hate it when people say they should just quit, like it's so easy. But most of all, I hate feeling helpless and desperate while I watch my best friend continue to spiral downward in to a dark hole. It's a wonder my heart is still beating in my chest. Every time I see the look in his eyes after a visit, his eyes begging me to listen to him, my heart breaks a little more. I know what he's asking, what he always asks me. Stop helping me. Let me die next time. Please, just let me go. I'm tired of fighting.

Even though he won't ever see this, I want him to know that I love him. That my love is unconditional, unbreakable. I will always be here for you. I will always help you in whatever way I can. I hope you decide to get treatment. I want you to stop hurting yourself. You need to forgive yourself for all that you have done. I want you to know that you are WORTHY. You are worthy of friendship and love. You deserve happiness and success, and to live a long and healthy life. I also want you to know that I am proud of you. I am proud of you for continuing to fight this battle, this inner struggle that no one else knows about. You are so strong and so brave, and I don't regret any second I spend with you. I thank God every day that you came in to my life. You have taught me so much about myself and about life. You are amazing and I hope you are able to find your way safely home. <3 Forever and Always xoxo