Loss

It hits me like a stinging slap,
This unbidden sadness.
I thought I was fine and that I had my emotions under control,
Then, there driving by the park
In one fragile instant
I find they're not at all.

It was just a fleeting glimpse I caught,
of golden light
shining through
the head of curls of a little child,
who was running joyfully,
Silhouetted by the sunset.

Right there
in that shaft of sunlight
my heart burst asunder
pierced by the realisation of my loss.
Of how much I am missing out on in
those little lives from which I'm now excluded,
Moments like this in the park,
All the little changes and triumphs in their growing and learning,
those passages from one stage to another
that happen so fast
and then are gone forever
The memories never made
so never to be shared.
Because I am the grandmother they don't see.

My rights stolen by the one I least expected to betray me.
One who is now betraying herself,
So determined to stay lost and angry
in a distorted perspective of her own making.
Completely unaware that it is the very source of her distress and confusion
As she chooses to estrange herself from another beloved parent.
Oblivious to any pain except her own
And perversely determined that I should be punished
for my trying to help her through some honest reflection of her behaviour
Surely my least responsibility as her loving mother.
Such loss for us both.

I'm drowning in unruly emotions,
My tears pressing painfully for permission to fall
As I struggle to maintain my composure as I'm driving.

I had no idea a small organ like a heart could hold so much
pain
No wonder it breaks.

© Megan Chapman