Boldly Reserved.

I barely remember today
or yesterday
and I'm not even on
any medication.
But I'll try, bits and pieces
coat my dry mouth.

Today you reminded me
that I'm still invited
to a celebration after work,
and I guess I did a bad
job of hiding my disdain.
I replied, "won't that be awkward"
to which you shook your head and
said you didn't understand that,
but how do I discuss my insecurities
in under five minutes?
I wonder if people dismiss me as shy
when really, I'm seeking new
shelter on a battlefield that's always
changing before I can memorize the layout.
Quiet is not necessarily peaceful
when my mind yells that I don't deserve
solitude.
Still, I try to escape, whenever I can.

And what's the point of letting people
know how I function and why I'm often
a stormy front -
It wouldn't be that natural to disclose
my medical history, iron it all out so
it's plain to see that I feel like a drastically
different person some days,
yearning for innocence before depression and
paranoid thoughts claimed my full attention.

Tomorrow is a funeral,
one that I'm not singing for
and perhaps Mom and I will
go out for coffee afterwards,
asking for refills so the memories
don't have to end.
Not many people will know
that we wept, and I don't know if that's
pathetic or sacred in a way.

Days keep on playing their melody
while I buy more time,
attempting to steady myself
on the few people and places I
implicitly trust.

I'm terrified and content
all at once.
Isolated yet somehow safe
for now.