Everything you want

It’s hard to wait around for something
you know might never happen.
I stare at my perfectly purple painted toenails and take a deep breath in-
Trying to keep my head from
spinning
and get my thoughts under control.
It’s been two years since we met;
And only recently have I been
struggling with the thoughts of wanting so much more with you than I already
have;
Something I know deep down probably won’t happen.
It makes me angry-
To have found someone as amazing as you and not be able to fully have you but;
it also makes me sad because
I know that I really do deserve the kind of love that we have,
And I know that I can’t really have it with
you.
A small part of me is begging myself to just let
you go as far as romance
goes because I don’t want anyone to
get hurt;
Just be friends and enjoy each other the way we have for so long.
And another part of me is begging;
pleading with myself to ask you just once what you want,
but I can’t.
I can’t;
Because what if I ask you and the answer isn’t me?
What if I ask you and you end up leaving?
What if I ask you and the answer IS me?
It’s hard to wait around for something you know might never happen;
But it’s even harder to let go when you know that it’s everything you want.