Pink baby blues

by Courtney Hough   Nov 15, 2018


Pink baby blues

I sit here with a tear,
getting rid of little tutus.
And little pink elephants,
replace them all with blue.

I feel like my baby died,
its silly right?
That hearing “it's a boy!”
Brought tears not delight.

We had to work so hard for you,
but now I cannot feel.
This disconnected feeling,
It's all to real.

No flowers no braids,
no lipstick on your face.
No matching outfits with mommy,
no mother daughter embrace.

The doctor told me,
“it's okay you feel this way.
Prenatal depression is the name.”
and it seems it's here to stay.

“Buy him clothes, talk to him,
decorate his room with lots of things!”
this is the advice given,
I do it but nothing works it seems.

People say I'm better,
they can really tell.
But do they see inside?
This torture feels like hell.

I'm a terrible mother already,
and he isn't even here.
I just can't shake this feeling,
there's no better next time dear.

I'm on the risky side you see,
we might have just the one.
But I feel as if I've already lost,
lost my daughter by getting a son.

*This is my way of dealing with my prenatal depression and gender disappointment.

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Latest Comments

  • 5 years ago

    by Mr. Darcy

    I wanted a girl, but got a boy. Sighs *

    I can see this poem was written a while back and I hope your, mother-son bond is better.

    As for my now, nearly 19 year old, I can say he was and is adorable. My disappointment was short lived.

    All the best.

    • 5 years ago

      by Courtney Hough

      Thanks so much! Yes it was when I had prenatal depression. He’s my world and cuddled on my chest as we speak:)

  • 5 years ago

    by IdTakeABulletForYou

    Judge's Comment:

    Courtney has written a beautifully honest piece, not only highlighting the struggles of prenatal depression, but brutally real with something almost all expecting parents feel: secretly, most parents hope for a baby of the same gender as their own. This as a way of being able to feel like the best parent, able to guide their child the right way through tumultuous emotional and bodily changes as they’re growing up, ones that their partner (be it husband or wife) might not have masterful knowledge of. Courtney is having a boy, which everyone will tell her is beautiful and amazing and exciting, but she shares her innermost thoughts with us: she’s scared, and she feels like a bad mom already for experiencing these common thoughts. I do not have the solution for her fears or worries, but I have to say it is very brave of her to share these layers of emotions with the world. Other mothers out there might do well to read these words and know they are not alone; often, being alone is the worst part of the battle. I do hope you are able to overcome these wars in your head.

    -Stephen

    • 5 years ago

      by Courtney Hough

      You couldn’t have said this any better. Thanks so much for reading and shedding some light on prenatal depression. For sure something that is not addressed. I appreciate your kind words!

      -Court

  • 6 years ago

    by CJ Maleney

    Wow! You are going to be a mum. So so pleased for you.

    My partner and I didn't have the chance to experience this naturally as a couple so we adopted.

    Forget about the sex of your little one when the time comes. Focus on the adoration and love you will receive.

    Regards

    Craig

    Ps. Boys are so much easier to deal with. (From a dad perspective obviously). Girls are bloody unpredictable

    • 6 years ago

      by Courtney Hough

      Thanks my friend! I think it’s just so hard because I have prenatal depression and we had to realllllllly try for a baby. But I’m getting there! Hahaha isn’t that the truth:)

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