Hurt like hell

“You can’t miss someone who won’t ever go away.”
The line runs through my head a million times;
Beating off of the inside of my skull as I
Try to fight back the tears stinging my eyes and the lump growing in my throat,
Because you did go away.
You did go away;
And the pain of your absence hurt
more than anything I’d ever experienced,
even though I knew it wasn’t your fault you couldn’t see me.
I search my brain for a proper response because-
How do I explain to you that your silence over those first five months
cut deeper than any of the words that have been thrown my way over the last few months,
Or that the memory of your smile haunted me more than the questions of
whether or not the person whose arms I was falling asleep in really loved me.
How do I explain that to you?
How do I explain that my heart disintegrated in my stomach every time you told me you couldn’t come,
Or that-
As more time went by I found myself trying to numb myself from the heartache of what it feels like to miss you so much,
with no real results.
You have always been the one thing right in my life;
So how do I explain to you that you did leave and even though you didn’t leave completely-
you still left,
And it still hurt like hell.