I dreamed of you again last night
You held me,
Sadly,
Like the last time we met.
But that’s not right.
It was like the last time you truly held me.
Years ago
With love in your eyes
That sad smile I can still remember so clearly
Even now.
It hurts so much
Especially when I think that I’ll never see it again
That you’ll never care
That no one will ever care.
You once said I’m not ready for a relationship
With you or anyone
And you were and still are right
I’ve never been
And never will be.
I’m too broken
Not like the jagged pieces of some
That just need a bit of dulling
Or the strange pieces of others that just need to find their match
But splintered
In thousands of thousands of shards
Sharp and jagged and piercing.
And even if other pieces come along
Others immediately fracture and split off further
Always leaving a space
For the blood to stagnate and clot
That’s why I told you there was no need to apologize.
Because there was no way to break me more than I already was
And still am
So I’m glad you left, because my splintered self isn’t safe for anyone
And now you can spend your sad smile and unbelievably warm kindness on someone who deserves it
And I can be free to do whatever I see fit as the right decision for my existence
But I still miss you
And you embrace
And that sad, pitying smile.
