Still here.

I'm still here, but for how long?
If asked years ago if I thought I'd still be here after all this time, I'd have said no. I've wanted to go so many times before. Just to be gone and forgotten. Yes, at first it would be hard. As it is with any loss. But people, like things, are often lost in minds as people carry on living. A fond memory here, a sense of melancholy there. Yet that loss is pushed aside for life. So why should my going be any different? In time my absence will become the new normal. And everyone can go on. But I'm still here...

Is my fear of hurting others keeping me here?

I'm still here, but I don't know for how much longer.
For years, part of me held on. Not for myself. But because I felt needed. I stayed for others. To help ease wounds and give peace of mind. I felt warm tending little lights. Yet I also never forgot that I couldn't stay there forever. Lights move away or go out. And this lesson became inevitability as that warmth retreated from me. Needed? No, just the most convenient person at the time. Even knowing I had to leave, realizing this did not make it any easier. So now I sit afar, watching those light that are left. As I grow cold. Yet I'm still here...

Is it my inability to admit they'll be fine without me that keeps me here?

I'm still here, but I won't last forever.
If not for fear, if not for hash truths, then what am I waiting for? Is it the unknown, and uncertainty of what comes next that holds me? Long ago, when I first realized there was no escape. I prayed for answers. For a solution. Yet one never came. I sought it out in life, only to have everything ring hollow. Or become so confused, that everything I am was lost with it. I don't know where I'll go, but I know I can't remain here. Pain can always resurrect wounds. And then both new and old hurts overwhelm. Far too many times have has this occurred. A reminder that I'm not part of here. I'm still here though...

Is it apprehension of the next place that keeps me here?

I'm still here, for now.
I"m not strong enough to stay. I don't want to be here and suffer needlessly. I can think of nothing worthwhile that should keep me here. I am more broken than ever before. I can't do this anymore. I want an end. Except I'm still here...