A Story of me

They ask me
why am I
so hard
on
myself?

Why do
I always
beat
myself
up?

How come
I
just can’t let
it go?

The answer to
that is
I don’t know,

I allow my
past
to define
me
and steer my
life
and I feel like
I’m losing
control,

Finally collapsing
because of the burdens
I carry,

Falling to my
knees
not willing
to get up,

Crying
on the inside
in front
of others
and
crying
oceans when I’m
alone,

Screaming
into my
pillow,

Beating
my mattress
until I
tire myself out,

Praying
to God
to kill me

Oh lord
hear my
prayer,

My life
I cannot
bare,

Kiss my
eyes
and lay
me to
sleep,

Watch over
my family
because I was too
weak?

In your name
I know you
can do all things
with power
in your
hands,

So give me
this last
wish
and take me
away,

So my
new life
whether it’s an eternity
of torture
or paradise
can begin,
Amen,

I wish
I wasn’t like this
I wasn’t always
like this,

The past me
before I was
exposed to love
for the first
time
is but a
memory,

Now I’m
broken
and
torn,

No way to
get back what
I lost
or find
anything new,

I’m just waiting
to die
alone
grief stricken
and heartbroken.