Hysterectomy

by Linda   Aug 15, 2019


It’s like the space my uterus was
is filled with confusion,
inflated with

a blackish red plasma
like a lava lamp.

I can’t stop looking at it.

He must notice how I’ve changed,
how the cervix doesn’t push against him,
the ghost of it a scar

holding in my organs and hot flowing feelings.

It’s the foods that cause me twelve times the discomfort than before,
an echo of more things I cannot have.

The anticipation and uncertainty of
possibly,
selfishly,
accidentally
bringing life
with him... with him especially.
That thrill is not there.
It’s empty.
It’s just gone.

Each time we connect, and he releases,
it is a fruitless pleasure.
It’s not all there for me.

I don’t want to be inadequate,
I tell myself I’m not and I affirm it.

Yet I feel otherwise.

Pieces of me that were pieces of us
are wasted in a biohazard place.

How do I mourn the loss of my womb
even with our toddlers present?

Being ungrateful is not my specialty.
Selfishness has never been my specialty.
I am neither of these things.
So why listen to whispers of them in my conscious?

Tearfulness in inappropriate moments.
Softer, tender heart strings.
Boiling anger AND
overly-stimulated senses.

I look f’n batsh-t.

I look insecure.

I see me.

But how do I find me inside here?

    report violation
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Latest Comments

  • 5 years ago

    by D.

    I can’t relate, of course I can’t but this poem was incredibly forceful, and possibly one of the best poems I’ve ever read on this site. The wording is deliberate, sincere, harsh, honest.

    I really really can’t imagine either, the difficulty of having this procedure, the removal of potential life from your body whilst your children sit around you. Whilst your partner and you ‘connect’. You paint the feelings of insecurity and inadequacy so well. We all have these emotions, we all feel ‘not good enough’ from time to time and when we write about it, sometimes it’s a little ‘woe-is-me’ but it’s the complete self awareness in your poetry that prevents this from ever happening. You don’t tell the reader to feel pity, you just tell them what it is. You don’t ask the reader for reaffirmation of your worth, you know it, it’s there in your writing. It’s powerful and confident. Excellent.

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