Empty Nest!

How easily you label my emotion
Put it in a box, tell me it'll pass
Rub your hands together - satisfied with your fix
I'll be all better soon!

My 'nest' won't just be empty
The reason I've put one foot in front of the other for almost 19 years will be missing
Not even my utter pride can outweigh the distance between us and the panic in my heart

In 19 years countless people have come and gone
Flitted in and out of my life
But I've never been alone
I've always had him

Always him with his warm heart and easy laugh
With his humbling tolerance of life and of me
With a voice full of cheerful lyrics and endless giggles
Mind-bending discussions long into the night - not many people can make me change my point of view
But he can

I don't worry for him - independent and with a whole chapter of amazing experiences ahead of him
This is what we've prepared for
This was the goal
He fought tooth and nail for his life - and he won
All those years ago when he was brand new but so broken and his body was trying to let go
And I held his tiny body and made him a promise
Please just fight - stay alive for me and I'll be the very best mum I can be for you, only for you
And he fought - countless times over the years he  survived when they said he wouldn't
He clung on to life and he clung on to me
He gave me purpose and he gave me the only unconditional love I've ever had or ever will
He fills my heart to the brim and it often overflows with pure joy and more love for him than I can fit inside me

And I know he's not leaving my heart
I know we'll still be me and him
I know we'll adjust and we'll still be close
I know it'll be the best time for him
I know how very lucky I am ...

... but it will be so different
And we're hard-wired to resist change
And this will be the hardest change of my life so far
The dissonance between feeling so happy and proud for him and hating that he's leaving is breaking me
The thought of coming home to his empty room makes me cry a thousand times a day
And we're not even there yet!
And I can't share this with him -
I can't make him feel bad about something so wonderful
I have to smile and encourage and tell him it'll all be great!

So f**k right off with your 'empty nest' platitudes
My sun and moon are eclipsing
It's going to be very dark
And far too big to fit into your pigeon-hole!