Normality

by schmetterling   Jan 23, 2020


For most of my life
I was considered
"too skinny".
People would ask
if I ever ate,
so I proceeded
to overeat
just to prove them wrong.
I did anything
to gain weight,
but at the time
nothing worked.
My metabolism
was faster
than I wanted it
to be.
I so desperately
wanted to size up
in clothes
so people would stop
making fun of me.
At one point
I was underweight,
but I could eat
more than a grown man.
I didn't want
to be thin anymore--
I wanted to be
normal.

Be careful what you wish for.

It started slowly,
and then sped up
over time.
I was around 130 pounds
for quite a few years
at my 5'8" stature.
This was a healthy weight.
By sophomore year
of college
I was about 150 pounds,
and this was healthy still.
Somewhere in this time
the tides turned,
and I believed I was fat.
I remember trying
to shove a toothbrush
down my throat,
but nothing would come up.
I felt like a failure.
Then I got into a new relationship,
and I started new medication.
My 150 pounds
would become 170
and then 195.
I was almost 200 pounds
at one point.
At this point
I did not want
to look at my reflection
because of what I had done.
When my body slowed down,
my eating did not,
and this was the outcome.
I squeezed myself
into a US size 8 pair of jeans
because double-digits
terrified me.
I didn't want to be overweight anymore--
I wanted to be
normal.

A nasty break up
caused me
to drop 15 pounds
in two weeks.
I went multiple days
without eating
because food
didn't taste like anything.
I also had started
a new medication
which took away a lot
of my appetite.
Over a longer period
of time
I lost 10 more pounds.
I now sit around
165 pounds.
I still hate the way
I look,
and my stretch marks
spell out "ugly"
when I see them,
but at least
it's something.

I have an addiction
to food
because it is so hard
for me to not eat.
I do my best
to limit myself
to one meal a day
because most of the time
I'm really not that hungry.
Maybe one day
I'll have a good relationship
with myself.
I'm working on it.

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Latest Comments

  • 4 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Sometimes, it's hard to comment on your writes because of the emotion you share with us, and you have such an honesty in your work, which I feel some writers are scared of or shy away from. Because it can be a huge, exhausting task to put our struggles into words. In a way I think it makes it that more real.

    I found this scary and also comforting at the same time - so much of what you wrote and put into words is something I relate to as well yet always felt shame and could never admit how much of an impact it was on my life. If that makes sense. I too grew up being called skinny, then feeling out of control as my relationship with food went from one extreme to the other. And struggling with no one ever paying much mind because I may have appeared to them to be a "normal" weight or curvy at times. But I knew how much I craved that normality, of not focusing on every aspect of eating and numbers and the control.

    I find it empowering that you have found the words here.

    Those last few lines shed some hope, and I hope that you do have that one day, and that I get to that point too. I have a lot of respect simply by knowing you through reading your poetry!

    • 4 years ago

      by schmetterling

      It means so much to me to hear such kind words from you. This is a place where I let everything out, and I do not hide what I feel. Your support makes everything so much easier to handle. Be strong.

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