Used To's

I use to be a writer
a painter, a muse
a girl with ten million bows
and even more shoes.

I use to have books
a different one each night
someone who wanted to live life
someone who still had fight.

I use to soak in knowledge
always wanting to know
someone with passion
and so many emotions to show.

I use to have a zest
always with something to say
but after my accident
all of that went away.

I use to try to pretend
that nothing really reformed
but my past life is over
and I've never really mourned.

I use to have hobbies
never knew what it was like to be bla`se
now I just sit around
waiting for the end of the day.

I use to care about my body
and if people would stare
now in days I'm lucky
if I even bother to care.

I've fallen into this deep depression
and filled with so much hate
that I lock myself away from the world
until I am in a better state.

It works for awhile
but it always comes back
reminding me, tormenting me
of all that I lack.

I refuse to ask for help
because it's always something I should be able to do
so I get frustrated and lash out
all because I haven't gotten a clue.

I become easily irritated
and then break down and cry
most days it takes all I have
to just simply get by.

Often times I will smile
but in reality I don't even want to leave my bed
I try to be happy
but I can't get out of my head.

People say I have a great attitude
but they don't really know
how much this has changed me
and how it eats aways my soul.

I try to figure things out
but I don't always succeed
so often I go without
because I won't say what I need.

I'd rather search and fail
then actually accept
that it's now a 'used to'
than something I kept.

Because right now it seems
like I didn't get to keep enough
but you don't have to remind me
that it won't always be this tough.

Just in the beginning
everything seems so bleak
like you're no longer a person
because you're so weak.

Eventually I'll get it
I will find my way
even if right now
today is not that day.

But when I get there
I will finally see
that they're not 'used to's'
they're can be's.