Used To's

I use to be a writer
a painter, a muse
a girl with ten million bows
and even more shoes.

I use to have books
a different one each night
someone who wanted to live life
someone who still had fight.

I use to soak in knowledge
always wanting to know
someone with passion
and so many emotions to show.

I use to have a zest
always with something to say
but when I lost my sight
all of that went away.

I use to try to pretend
that nothing really reformed
but my past life is over
and I've never really mourned.

I use to have hobbies
never knew what it was like to be bla`se
now I just sit around
waiting for the end of the day.

I use to care about my body
and if people would stare
now in days I'm lucky
if I even bother to care.

I've fallen into this deep depression
and filled with so much hate
that I lock myself away from the world
until I am in a better state.

It works for awhile
but it always comes back
reminding me, tormenting me
of all that I lack.

I refuse to ask for help
because it's always something I should be able to do
so I get frustrated and lash out
all because I haven't gotten a clue.

I become easily irritated
and then break down and cry
most days it takes all I have
to just simply get by.

Often times I will smile
but in reality I don't even want to leave my bed
I try to be happy
but I can't get out of my head.

People say I have a great attitude
but they don't really know
how much this has changed me
and how it eats aways my soul.

I try to figure things out
but I don't always succeed
so often I go without
because I won't say what I need.

I'd rather search and fail
then actually accept
that it's now a 'used to'
than something I kept.

Because right now it seems
like I didn't get to keep enough
but you don't have to remind me
that it won't always be this tough.

Just in the beginning
everything seems so bleak
like you're no longer a person
because you're so weak.

Eventually I'll get it
I will find my way
even if right now
today is not that day.

But when I get there
I will finally see
that they're not 'used to's'
they're can be's.

*I wrote this poem about the struggle I have been going through being completely blind and the process of losing my sight. It's only been two years so I'm still very depressed and angry although I like to pretend that nothing has changed. but the braille institute tells me all the time "it's not that you can't do it, you just can't do it that way" and I'm really trying to live by that but some days you just want to tell them to screw themselves. I know I'll get there one day though, I can't wait for that day. The pun at the end was intended- blind people jokes lol.*