I made a promise..

I think most people get scared when someone communicates they don't want to live. Instead of trying to understand the situation it is easier to try to response in a controlling way. I think my training as a mental health therapist is the main reason I can follow why "safety contracts" don't work. It is so difficult to have to be the one to express your painful feelings, and be in the position of trying to have empathy for the other person to not be recieving it well, for their fear or judtement, or clinging on. Life is very difficult. It is okay to not be okay. Sometimes life isn't okay.

This is emotional to read, and I can only imagine to write. You penned this so well. I felt this profoundly, because, as good as someone's intentions are, eventually, the hope is to find the will and desire to live for yourself. People can help and do their best to stand by your side when you're going through hell, but they can only do so much to physically and emotionally support you. It also has to come from within. Ideally, to choose life, in spite of all its hardships. But you are not lesser of a person or somehow weak for dealing with suicidal ideation/thoughts. I've dealt with it for many years, sometimes even daily, and it's a constant battle, a back-and-forth and I just try to continue holding on in hopes something may be enough for me to feel purposeful or like I need to be here.

I know it's helped some people to hear the "stay alive for me" comment, as it gives them something to anchor themselves to, but there has to be caution taken too so the person going through this does not feel blame for the pain they are in. For how defeating depression can be. There has to be more understanding into how mental health holds a lot of depth, and different things help different people. I found that making that promise never worked for me. It only fueled anger and made me feel guilty, keeping me from opening up about my true feelings. I needed people to understand WHY. I needed people to understand even though they are trying to lift me up, it felt like a burden to appease them, and it made me resentful and call them selfish. I needed people to understand that I was human for just wanting relief. That's where learning new coping skills can help alleviate some of the stress and build-up of emotions so even if it is a matter of getting through one day at a time, it can someday be attainable and manageable.

It's complicated, and not easy at all. There are no simple answers. I just hope it helped to write this out. I wish things were better, and I hope something in this life grants you reprieve and gives you fuel to keep going. But I do know it does not always simply "get better", and know you have someone who supports and truly hears you on here, too.