7 Years Ago (Trigger Warning)

by schmetterling   Apr 21, 2020


7 years ago
I took the blade to my skin
for the first time.
Things had been going downhill
for quite a bit of time
and that day
I broke.
I will never forget
that feeling
a piece of metal
gave me
that nothing else could.
Rapidly
my condition worsened
as I would self harm
at least daily.
It went from a knife
to razor blades.
It went from small scratches
to bloodied wounds.
After several months,
I began to heal
and the times between relapses
became further apart.
February 25th, 2014
was the last time
that silver met my skin
until last year.
My mental health declined
yet again
and the person who should've
supported me
did exactly the opposite.
The breakup
intensified the downward trend
I followed.
Not just because
of the relationship ending,
but because
of the cruelty afterwards.
I was name-called
I was treated like a monster
I was hurt.
I began hurting myself again
because the pain I felt
had nowhere to go.
It was much more severe
this time around
as I could see the fat cells
where there were open cuts.
I had gone deeper
than I ever thought imaginable,
yet it did not scare me
and I wanted to go further.
The mess inside of me
manifested itself onto my skin.
I figured that if he ruined me,
then I could ruin myself.
My last relapse
was August 29th, 2019
when I almost killed myself.
For awhile thereafter
I definitely have had times
where I wanted to pick up that blade again,
but thankfully
I haven't.
I have improved
by leaps and bounds,
but I don't think
I'll ever be 100%.
I should've been 6 years clean
right now,
but instead
I am almost 8 months.
The physical wounds have healed,
but the mental ones
they will take a much longer time
to scar over.
Last year
was the worst year
of my entire life,
but despite the challenges
I face today
2020 has been a blessing
I'm thankful I get to see.

    report violation
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Latest Comments

  • 4 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Words can't express how proud you should be, at surviving last year, enduring the pain, keeping your head up and letting your voice be heard here. There is a grace in your words, and I commend you time and time again for sharing your story, something so emotional yet you are able to come back and still face the day. That takes immense courage. So many lines in this that about choked me up:

    "I figured that if he ruined me,
    then I could ruin myself."

    - Wow. The power we can give to others, the way we can permit ourselves to continue the hurt, because we feel we deserve it... yet we are so much more. No one deserves that kind of pain, ever.

    How true about physical and mental wounds. The physical ones may heal and fade over time, but it will take more work and patience to process and get through the mental wounds. It doesn't mean that the battle will be impossible, hopefully it will be even more rewarding knowing how you came out on the other side.

    So proud of you. And I will share too, as someone close to your age (just a few years older), I've gone through relapses too. It's discouraging and hard to get back on track, but it in no way makes you any less of a person, and I think you realize that here. I've been dealing with SH for around 8 or 9 years, and I've learned a lot in the journey of forgiving yourself and understanding these things will happen. It's how we deal with them and the gentleness we allow ourselves to receive.

    <3

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