Memories pop up
on my phone
from last year,
and I realize
how unhappy
I truly was.
I did my best
to provide an appearance
that would satisfy
those around me,
yet in doing that
my life worsened.
The shackles on my wrists
grew tighter
and the water
kept rising.
But I had to
look like I was fine
because I was afraid
of abandonment--
it happened anyway.
I had stopped caring
about what I wanted
and invested everything
into others.
My disregard
for both
my mental and physical health
created devastating consequences.
I have endured double kidney infections,
pneumonia,
and tonsillitis
in less than a year.
I faced severe exhaustion
from a mood stabilizer
that was supposed to help me
where 12+ hours of sleep
every night
was never enough.
Meanwhile,
my emotional state
fell through the cracks
as every part of my life
that resembled stability
unraveled.
I was
absolutely
miserable.
The pictures,
they never
hinted at the chaos
which was me.
Those memories
feel as vivid today
as when they first took place.
To this day,
I have nightmares
that wake me up at night
in a panic.
I am better,
but I will never
be the same.
