Untangling thoughts

I'm scared of my reflection
And the person I've become
I hate that I can't seem to change
All that I've thought and done

I've let myself turn into
Someone I don't want to be
And if you look inside my eyes
I'm not sure who you'll see

My reputation's damaged
Yet no one knows but me
And so I'm smothered by a weight
That will not let me free

I thought that God would fix things
I could be who I once was
But now I’ve come to realize
“He can” won’t mean He does

I dunno what help depends on
But it seems that's what I lack
And all the time that I have spent
I'll never get it back

Everything I've witnessed
Rattles round inside my head
And now I think those doctors, well,
they should have left me dead

But I am forced to suffer
Through this torture we call life
While all my failures taunt me
So I'll never be quite right

If I get a chance to leave this
Without causing you more pain
Don't think for a second
I'd let that go down the drain

I care so much about you
But I'm poisonous as well
The less time you spend with me
The less likely you can tell

So I'll try to keep my distance
Build a wall so you can't see
The only one I truly hate
Is stuck inside of me.

- Obscure
© 2020