Just cry one more time and you’ll feel better;
That’s what I keep telling myself.
You’ll heal after you let out every heart wrenching sob that steals your breath and makes your
stomach churn;
After you get so worked up that you have
to run to the bathroom and puke from hyperventilating too hard.
Just let it out-
Throw your things across the room and cry into the jacket that
doesn’t even smell like him anymore,
Then pick yourself up and you’ll be better.
That’s what I tell myself.
That’s what I do.
Until another wave of emotions hits me when
I see you standing by the stove cooking;
Or when you give my child a kiss on the cheek or
when you’re watching YouTube.
Getting ready for work.
Playing cornhole.
Talking to your family.
Breathing.
And then it hits me again and I cry and I scream
and I sob and my heart aches so deeply and
I realize I’m never going to be whole without you.
But I tell myself to cry again
and let it out again and throw things again and forget it.
Move on.
Until I’m in a museum and I see guns
I know you’d love;
Or I’m driving and I see a whole herd of deer I know you’d call to.
Or when I leave for the night and you don’t give me a kiss goodbye.
It sinks in again;
And a crippling sadness hits me.
So I put Taylor Swift on and I sob-
I sob and I sob and I sob and I tell myself this is it.
That I’ve had enough and there will be no more,
Because after this I will heal.
So I wipe my tears and I fall asleep with the hope that this time it’s over:
Until I see you on the Kubota with my kid.
Until you go fishing and I realize it’s not my place to go beside you anymore.
Until I see something at a gift shop I want to get you
but I can’t because you’re not mine anymore.
And then I understand that this is never going to end;
That it’ll be like this for a while.
That I’ll have to break down and pick myself up all over again at the end of every single day
Or even in the middle of it in your grandmothers bathroom after I want to give you a hug so badly,
but can’t.
Just one more breakdown,
I tell myself.
Just one more-
And you’ll be healed.
But I know I’m lying to myself.
