I’ve been trapped in
a fog of angst
For I don’t know how long now.
The days drop
one after the other,
Like beads on a thread,
sameness belied only by their names,
beginnings lost
in the endless morphing
of evenings and mornings
“And the evening and the morning were the (next) day”
But there are questions,
Always,
An infinite variety of questions,
each as individual
and unique as a fingerprint,
each formed
to further our own singular quest,
to make sense of
the overwhelm.
What day is this?
When will it end?
How will it end?
Why am I here?
What is it all about anyway?
What do I do now?
Answering is a choice,
And how I answer
Colours all that follows.
How is it that my answers
make meaning
and bring value to
each minute detail
of the minutes
that translate into the procession of hours
And days and weeks and years
Of my life?
Does this current state of flux
Determine how I move through it,
Or do I?
Do I choose to be the governor of my life,
The arbiter of my fate?
Or,
Shall I just drift
Seeing only past and no future,
Oblivious to the power I have
in how I choose to spend the now.
Do I ask the questions
And make my choices,
Or,
do I simply succumb to the seduction
Of the comfort
of a familiar discomfort
that seems just too hard to swim against,
Riding the riptide of revelations
Is too exhausting.
It’s easier to just avoid some answers -
Put them in the ‘Too Hard basket’
The ‘I’ll get back to it’ pile
The ‘I want to be in the grasshopper singing all summer I don’t care if I starve in the winter’ category.
Free and wild.
No care for consequences.
What does it matter anyway?
Life’s a b***h then you die.
They say.
But do you,
die?
What if death isn’t what we think
What if it’s just
a passing through
A different ending and beginning experience?
What if,
Maybe,
what I can learn here is useful next time round?
Might it pay
to pay attention,
To the only time I have,
Now.
Life is a long game.
My life is my long game,
In this infinite continuum of beginnings and endings,
There’s never a time when I can have failed -
There’s always another question to be answered,
Another experiment to be run.
An alternative strategy to be tried.
