I wish I would’ve realized that I loved you sooner.
But maybe I did-
And maybe that scared me so much that I chose to ignore it rather than go after it
With the fear that I would hurt you and lose you.
You were my best friend;
Your smile lit up my entire day and there wasn’t a single thing I couldn’t talk to you about.
You were there through every laugh,
You were there to bandage my cuts and wipe my tears-
To mend my heart with the sound of your laughter and the warmth of your hugs.
There wasn’t a single thing I wouldn’t do for-
But that meant knowing myself enough to know that I couldn’t love you like I wanted to at that point in my life.
So I focused on Matt-
And you made nicknames for all of our friends and called him something that was not so nice because
you knew he didn’t love me back;
You knew he wasn’t good enough to give me the love I needed and deserved.
I’m so sorry I couldn’t do that for you either.
You were a beautiful soul;
Getting lost in your sarcasm and jokes,
Reciting every line from the Deadpool movie and letting me sit on your lap just to make Matt jealous when we both knew that it was your lap that I belonged on-
Not his.
Your death never gets easier.
It’s a constant reminder that you were the one that I let slip in between my fingertips;
That you were the one I loved enough to let go because it was what was best for you,
Not me.
I thought about reaching out so much but never knew what to say.
I’m sorry?
I love you?
Come back and be here?
I miss you?
None of those words would have done justice to what I was feeling-
But I will wish for the rest of my life that I would have said them anyways.
