by Keira Pickard
Firstly, what a lovely title. The rhymes (ABAB,CDCD,EFEF) were smooth, and not at all forced. I also like how you've centered it and how you've capitalized all of the words at the start of a sentence, as I think this poem needs the harder, bolder edge. |
by Ben Pickard
Many thanks, Keira. You'll be chasing MA down with praised comments at this rate, I shouldn't wonder. |
by Maher
This is just awesome to see, the two Pickards duking it out so kindly and eloquently. The world needs more family bonds like this :) |
by Ben Pickard
Thanks, Maher, great comment and much appreciated |
I actually have some criticism regarding this piece, which I rarely do for your poetry, and I hope you don't mind! The first stanza felt the strongest and the most fluid. The admission right away of not being able to provide that warmth, no matter if you can still be provide some type of comfort, you are not the main source, the main shelter. That initially filled me with a sadness, but there's also growth and a maturity in understanding we can't always be the support someone wishes to receive, even when we try our hardest. It made me think of lovers losing compatibility or connection, simply drifting apart even if everything pointed otherwise. The imagery of the "banks" and "sails" gave consistency already in the first few lines, and added a depth to this love. The realization of being fragile, of knowing we can be knocked down, and try as we might to be the strongest force against hardships, we can't always win and be the last one standing. |
by Ben Pickard
A truly amazing comment, MA. I certainly take all your comments on board and will look at them. All I will say is that near rhymes are something I do try to use as they allow for more scope, if you understand my meaning. The use of perfect rhymes throughout is fine but the content can then be sacrificed/forced, in my opinion. |
by Em
Hi Ben, I like the title to me it screams love but I'm not so sure (here on my phone I don't get to see the joys of what things are posted under) anyway I say this purely because it reminds me of the bon jovi song bed of roses, which I love.. Why I'm not so sure but I digress. |
by Ben Pickard
I love that song too, Em. And as for the acrostic, I don't mind at all! Thank you again for another amazing comment. |
by Mr. Darcy
Hello Ben, |
by Ben Pickard
Michael, thank you so much for your thoughts. |