Sleep

(possible trigger warning)

It used to be I didn't sleep
To stretch the day out longer
But now I've fallen in too deep
And I can't get much stronger

I sit awake and think of rest
As one may think of dying
Strange and far from what comes next
I'm not fine, I've been lying

I tried to sleep some yesterday
So I could be successful
But nasty thoughts came right away
And living became stressful

I tried to use brute force to drive
The thoughts out of my mind
But these thoughts somehow seem alive
They just return in kind

Leave a moment, come back stronger
Their army re-enforced
Can I hold out for much longer?
Dive for pain headfirst

I keep a blade upon my shelf
For reasons I've abandoned
But when I cannot ask for help
It's like I've been commanded

I feel like telling someone else
Might be seen as demanding:
Attention, worry, selfish help
But I want understanding

And since I cannot phrase things well
I'll wait until I can
So till I feel that I can tell
I must stay as I am