Comments : still life (syntuit)

  • 3 years ago

    by Keira Pickard

    Excellent. You were saying about how you wanted to write a poem about this subject the other day, and you've done it really well.
    The title makes you wonder what this could be about. There are lots of different options and ways you can go with a title such as this - 'Still Life' can be used in painting and sketching terms, an object that isn't moving, or even taken as it is. I loved the way you've used it here.
    Despite the gruesome imagery in the first line, I liked it. You don't see the word 'buckled' much in poetry, so I enjoyed the usage of it here. As well as that, you're still curious as to what this may be about; The first line doesn't give away much.
    I'm the second line, you're starting to get a pretty good idea. I loved the description of 'painted', as that goes back to my former point about 'still life' being used in artistic terms.
    The final line was really clever, but I think it might have one too many syllables? If so, then perhaps you could change it to

    Roadside's red canvas

    ^^that way, by cutting out the 'the' from the line, you don't lose the alliteration and have regular syllable count. Or

    The road's red canvas

    ^^ by cutting short 'roadside' you still don't lose the alliteration!
    I'm sure there are plenty of other ways to whittle it down, but I'm too tired to think of those!!
    Anyway, it's a clever last line as it is. My favourite part was using the word 'canvas', as it refers back to both the title and the use of 'painted' in the second line.
    Finally, I like the way you've put spaces between each sentence.
    Really good and hard hitting

    • 3 years ago

      by Ben Pickard

      Thank you so much for this, Keira. One for pointing out my schoolboy error in regards to syllable count and two for the suggestions. X

  • 3 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    I've read this a few times now, and it still hits just as hard and fills me with an aching sadness. As Keira mentioned, from the title, my mind immediately went to photography. And I thought it would be about some commonplace object that you find around the house or something. But something that is lifeless, that used to freely move and wander around in nature, is much more powerful. The "bent and buckled" worked really well here, succinct, unnatural to read almost, as you can tell so much from an animal by their tail and how they move it. I like how you kept the theme of this poem aligned with art terms as well, "painting" and "canvas". The second line is such a bleak image, because whenever I think of someone painting something, I imagine they are gentle with each brushstroke, graceful, and this is the opposite. In the last line, I hadn't even noticed the syllable count when you originally had "The" in front of it, (only noticed thanks to Keira), and even before I put two and two together, I felt it could flow better without the "The" lol. For some reason too, "roadside's" sounds better than simply "road's".

    This happens far too often, whether purely accidental or in cases of driving too fast/not paying attention to the road, etc. I take my dog on rides in the countryside almost every day, and there are a lot of roads by us that don't even have speed limit signs, so watching out for wildlife is a must. There's been an instance before where I was driving down a road, we came back that way to head home 10 minutes later, and an animal had been hit. No one had stopped or moved it aside, and I was able to. I also have a friend who tries to do this when it's safe to, stopping on the side of the road to move the animal over so they don't become a hazard in the road, and also out of respect for the hit animal. It can be quite scary because sometimes you can't avoid it, even in perfect conditions, paying attention and going under the speed limit. Sometimes, we're unable to swerve around safely or stop suddenly when they dart out and it's heartbreaking all around to see the remnants, to see the road stained until the next rainfall or so.

    Anyways, the short form worked well for the imagery and also perhaps a little reminder to use caution and look for wildlife, especially in tight corners, hills or at nighttime. The best we can do is try to watch out for them and prevent something like this.

    • 3 years ago

      by Ben Pickard

      A wonderful and interesting comment, MA. Thank you.

  • 3 years ago

    by nouriguess

    My heart sank and I was knocked sideways when I imagined this.

    Animals shouldn’t be hurt, even by accident. They shouldn’t die. They just should be fine. Always.

  • 3 years ago

    by Em

    This is just wow! Shocking but.. Yeah, I'm speechless, the other ladies have said it all xx

    • 3 years ago

      by Ben Pickard

      Thank you, both. Noura - I agree. Perhaps in a different way, but I do agree. Accidents are accidents, after all, and they can't be prevented. What is wrong is that innocents have to live in a world where those accidents have such tragic consequences. Where beauty is snuffed by such random events. You are right - it is wrong.

  • 3 years ago

    by Hellon

    This was a real punch in the guts type of poem. Where I live we have lots of wildlife crossing the roads and we do slow down but , sadly, there's still too much road kill.

    • 3 years ago

      by Ben Pickard

      I said (rather darkly) to my family driving down the motorway, "The best place to see wildlife is at the side of the bloody road". Anyway, that gave me the idea for this.
      Thanks for reading, Hellon.

  • 3 years ago

    by Abstract Poet

    Stunning piece beautiful!

  • 2 years ago

    by BOB GALLO

    :) :)

    I read this recently in this column decided to write a belated critical analysis on it. Then, I changed my mined, decided to take it away. It was pointless. I hope he feels good.
    I am writhing this because someone asked.