He’s explaining to me why
we’ll be switching from olanzapine
to aripiprazole, possibly taking
a higher dose of fluoxetine,
as my thoughts go racing back
to when I studied those drugs,
their chemical formulas, interactions,
uses, side effects.
Side effects.
I miss uninterrupted sleep.
Now, I’m thinking of the beach. Your
head is resting on my
thighs. Under the sunlight, your face
looks happier. We slept early
and the air was warm.
My mind jumps again. I lost a bet
that day. I don’t like bets. I lose. I always
lose. Isn’t loss a part of who I am?
I lose daily now. I lose and
break down and call therapists.
Therapists. Yes, I’m listening.
Fluoxetine, 20mg.
This prescription looks longer
and colder than the previous one, and
the doctor, who’s looking over
his glasses now, won’t stop explaining
why I won’t stop losing.
