Trauma is Tricky

There are times
that even though
I am in a great place
where my trauma
tries to drown me.
A situation
that had previously
turned out different
triggers me
and sends me into a panic,
when in reality
the outcome now
is much brighter.
The fear I have
of my past repeating itself--
it can be consuming.
Previous struggles
where I would sob to myself
until I couldn't breathe
while the other lie perfectly asleep
beside me
are no longer.
Now,
my pain is acknowledged
it is validated
and I feel the warmth come over me
as I'm pulled closer.
Every day
I am told that I am loved
and appreciated.
I believe him completely,
but it's hard for me to second guess
his words
because of what I've been through
before.
It's difficult to not think about
the pain of rejection
while in a relationship.
To not flash back
to the sentences spoken,
"what if..."
"I can't..."
"I don't know."
Then I rub my eyes,
I clear my mind,
and I remember where I am now
and who is standing in front of me today.
His intentions are clear
and genuine.
While there will always be sorrow
when looking behind me,
there is happiness
in the room with me
and I'm here for it.
I've caught my breath now,
and my heartbeat has steadied.
I live knowing
that life has grief,
but I am trying
to not be afraid of it.