Green Palmolive,
That tiny bottle of soap sat next to me,
Well my newborn baby layed on my chest
Hooked to a machine.
I’ve been home with him for almost 2 months.
That’s 2 months of constantly checking not only if he was breathing but how he was breathing, making sure his eyes weren’t yellowing. Again.
Green Palmolive.
I keep coming back to that.
Maybe it’s because that was the one normal thing.
The one thing I would be doing if I were home and not in the nicu.
I would still have to wash his bottle.
At that point all I could think was,
At least I get to wash his bottle.
Next to us was another baby,
A little boy who was born a whole month sooner,
His mom still hasn’t been able to wash his bottle.
I remember feeding my baby for the first time after days of him being born,
I was happy, gleaming with joy
Not realizing my happiness was causing another mom pain.
I looked over as I fed my baby his first colostrum from a bottle,
She was crying well she held her baby.
I felt guilty.
Green Palmolive.
I don’t remember much about those 5 days,
But I did remember the smell of the soap.
It was bad, like worse than any dish soap I ever smelt.
I remember thinking why would anyone buy this?
As I washed the bottle I stared at the other mom, as she layed her baby down getting ready to leave for the day.
Why was she always leaving? It made me angry.
Why were so many babies here all day without their parents?
Everything made me angry.
Green Palmolive.
I remember the nurse telling me that usually the nurses wash the bottles.
I didn’t care. It was the one thing I could do for him.
The one thing I could do for myself.
The sink was not even a few feet away from his bassinet.
I could stare at him well I washed his bottle.
They kept telling me to go,
They said I need time to regroup.
I need to get rest, to eat, to see my other kids.
I did need to see my other kids, but the thought of leaving one kid alone to see the others killed me.
Stay calm, I kept telling myself.
Green Palmolive.
I did leave to see my kids.
I remember driving to the hotel, staring at the hospital as we drove away.
I counted each floor, trying to figure out which window my baby lay behind.
I watched him on the camera on my phone the whole time.
I fell asleep staring at him.
I cried myself to sleep staring at him.
Green Palmolive
Today my mind goes back to that mom
Is she still there? Is her baby okay?
I tried finding her online, it really bothered me at one point. Is he okay?
I wonder if she’s still breathing.
I keep thinking about being angry at her that she left.
I now look back and think that she was stronger than me. Braver than me. More trusting than me.
I was in the nicu with my baby for a 5 days, she was in the nicu for 35 days.
How could I judge her?
How could I know what that was like?
I keep thinking to myself how do you live like that? How do you keep yourself alive?
How do you keep breathing?
Green Palmolive.
I started seeing a therapist.
Because I couldn’t remember anything.
I blocked it all out and it was crippling my mind trying to remember, trying to make sense of all the pieces my heart was in when I couldn’t even recollect anything but a smell.
She talked to me about the worst day of my life and asked me questions.
I remembered.
It all came flooding back like a tsunami.
Green Palmolive.
I told myself as I tried to collect myself.
I couldn’t collect myself.
She asked what my body was doing well I told her what happened.
I realized my nubbed of nails were jabbing into my palms.
So hard it was leaving marks.
I didn’t even notice.
I remembered being pushed down the hallway passing all the rooms of moms who just birthed healthy babies.
I was bawling. I mean really bawling.
I didn’t even try to hide it, and I always try to hide it.
I just witnessed my baby get a breathing tube shoved down his throat. Or stood outside of the door, they wouldn’t even let me comfort him.
Then they made me leave. They said they had to check my belly.
Why did that matter? Why did anything matter other than my baby? Why didn’t they understand that?
I was angry. More angry than I’ve ever been.
At the OB nurses for taking me away from my baby, at the nicu nurses for not letting my be with my baby, at the other moms for having healthy babies.
I knew that was wrong, but I hated them.
I wanted to scream and yell and I wanted to physically fight someone because I was so mad.
But I just sat in the wheelchair and cried.
Green Palmolive
Today I went to the store with my healthy baby boy, who is almost 2 months old.
He had tripled in size and I still shouldn’t worry.
But I still watch him breath and never leave his side.
As I shopped I passed the dish soap isle and remembered I needed to buy some so I could wash his bottles.
I bought some green Palmolive.
